Hell oWorld
by Just Donika
Summary: For her acts in game, Monika was sent to Hell. That didn't seem quite fair to me, so somehow I got roped into proving that she deserves to be in Heaven. For that, I got sent into the world of DDLC. Now I have to juggle keeping Sayori from being a human pinata, Yuri playing a game of Operation on herself, Natsuki's domestic situation, and Monika's... you know. Rated T just in case.
1. Divine Intervention

So it turns out that eating solely frozen peas was less economically wise than I thought. I figured, hey those are tasty and cheap, I'll just eat those so I can save up for a deposit on a house.

Kind of died from gross malnutrition. My bad.

Although to be honest, I figured something else about my frugality would kill me before my diet did. I'd covered up holes in my tires with duct tape, the apartment I was in was a hotbed of health and safety violations, and I refused to visit a doctor unless the government was footing the bill, which last happened 18 months ago. Surprisingly though, it was the peas that polished me off. I knew I should've bought some spaghetti, maybe even splurged on some sauce… Too late for that now I guess.

"Hello sir, welcome to Heaven!"

"So this is what Heaven is like huh? Hey quick question, is it possible to dab in heaven?"

"Wh-What? That is your first question? You seriously made it into the afterlife and your first thought was "Oh golly, what if I feel the compulsion to dab?", and managed to get to the point of actually asking it before you realised what a terrible question that was."

"No no you misunderstand. You see, that was part of a larger concern of mine, wherein I wondered how heaven regards personal freedom. You see, in a paradisiacal state, which is prioritised higher - the desire of those around them to not witness such an act, or the person's desire to commit said act?"

"Huh… That's a really dumb way of phrasing it, but actually, that's a really valid concern, and we-"

"Plus I need to have a way to respond to dem haters."

"God dammit!"

Thunder suddenly flooded the area.

"No, not literally God, please stop, it's just… Just why? Why do I always get the bad ones?"

"I'm sorry I was hoping to make a joke, I'll stop."

"Okay, good. Please try to take the Pearly Gates seriously. Now, where were we-"

"WAIT WHAT DID I JUST SEE SAYORI?"

"Eh? Oh yes, some characters from video games made it up here. Basically, whenever we angels play a video game and we really like them, we replicate the characters in the game as actual real souls. I actually played that one, one of my favourites from Steam."

"You guys have Steam here?"

"Sorry, are you asking whether or not a Utopian reality includes the world's largest video game platform?"

"... Fair point. So wait, is it possible to hang out with Sayori?"

"Absolutely, you can hang out with - Wait a minute… You're a terrible person."

"I'm sorry. I really do like Sayori. And the others. Did the other girls end up in Heaven?"

"Well… Natsuki and Yuri did, although Yuri was a stretch. We were not a fan of, shall we say, her penmanship, but she still made it. Monika did not."

"Wait… she went to… But that's not right!"

"I'm sorry, as an omnipotent being I'm familiar with your opinions on her, but her defining acts before her death were to kill her three friends."

"She did so under the impression that they were nothing more than ones and zeroes!"

"As her only actions, we have nothing better to judge her by. Besides, our process of judgement has worked so far."

"Have you perchance watched the Good Place?"

"Give me a second."

A screen appeared in midair, and they began watching at 0.75c speed. They quickly glanced at an incomprehensible mess of images, and somehow gleaned meaning from them.

"Man, that's a good show, but what of it - OH NO WE FORKED IT UP."

He started pacing nervously.

"No, that's a fictitious piece by silly humans, it can't possibly apply to… Except I suppose we never considered… Yeah, I'll be right back."

After 10 minutes, I try waving my finger around, hoping that SAO style a menu will appear and I can read a book or something while I wait. Nope.

After another 30 minutes of intense boredom, he comes back.

"Okay, well, we had a big discussion about the possibility that people in Hell… perhaps had learned their lesson whilst in Hell. Now, if you're up for it, we'd love to run a test on Monika. Send both of you into DDLC, see if you can prove she's a decent person. You in?"

"Wh-What?"

"I'm taking that as a yes! 3, 2, 1 -"

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Beep beep beep beep!

Whoever came up with the accursed idea that a loud beeping noise was the first thing we should hear each day deserves a special level of Hell. Fine, fine, I'm up. A pity, I was in a really cool dream, and I can actually remember it for once, it was all about the afterlife and for some reason, DDLC was in it. Kinda left on a cliffhanger too… Oh well.

Yawning, I get out of bed, and walk over, half asleep, to my door. I feel around for the handle and… can't find anything.

Damn, I'm more asleep than I thought, if I'm getting the location of my door wrong. I fumble along the walls, and finally find… not a door, but at least a light switch.

As the room is quickly illuminated, I realise in horror that it's not mine. Wh-Where am I? I pull open the curtains, and see… cherry blossom trees. And houses that remind me of… No way…

Okay, calm down, calm down. It appears my dream was nothing of the sort. I actually am dead… but more importantly, I made it to Heaven, and then into DDLC! Woo!

Wait no, less woo. I kinda have to prove that Monika doesn't deserve eternal damnation. Also, I'm assuming the other girls are here, in which case each of them has their own issues… especially Sayori. I swear, if Sayori doesn't show up to the festival on Monday, I'm just going to be crying about Schrodinger's Sayori while vehemently refusing to open her door. And if Monika says "You really left her hanging" again I'm going to fucking dropkick her.

I decide to take inventory. My phone, cheap and outdated as it was, was charging on the counter. My old contacts had all been cleared, and replaced with ones the MC would've had - MC's parents, a dozen names I didn't recognise, and Sayori's. Oh, also Sayori's mum, apparently… that may come in handy, if I need to let them know about depression.

Oh, and it's Monday. Pre-literature club, otherwise I'd have the contact details of other club members. So presumably, I'll meet up with Sayori, and go to school.

I find the uniform in the closet. The school uniform is very different to any of the uniform I wore in high school, and it takes me a while to puzzle it out, but I do, eventually, get it on. Historically, I have had a healthy breakfast of nothing, but I should probably have a decent feed before this begins.

I try some weird Japanese cereal I've never heard of before. It reminds me of cornflakes, if cornflakes wanted to slash my throat and tasted like cod liver oil. Come to think of it, is this in Japan?

I find a PC, and pull up Google. It's in Japanese, confirming my suspicion, although actually, my mind seems to be automatically translating it. I pull open a camera app on my phone to test, and it appears I'm speaking in Japanese too. So I am in Japan.

I go onto Google Maps and look for the nearest school. Anata No Genjitsu High. Catchy. Apparently Akademi High is the next nearest school to this one, thank God I'm not in that one, one girl trying to kill everyone is enough thanks.

I go to the high school's website. I'm already logged in, and the site shows my timetable, which is really helpful, since otherwise I'd have been clueless about what to do until the club.

MC and Sayori can apparently enter each other's houses, so I guess I'll see if she's up.

The walk over to Sayori's house was really weird. The house was reasonably realistic, but assets that weren't ever shown in game, like the other half of the street, were generated in a much more anime-esque style, and seemed almost procedurally generated. The contrast is a tinge sickening, seeing as I'm used to everything looking real.

"Sayori? Hello?"

Huh. She's not up.

I go up to check her room, feeling very nervous. The last time I'd gone to her room, was in-game after she'd killed herself. I feel quite antsy going up to wake her…

"HEY! SAYORI! WAKE UP!"

Still no response.

I really didn't want to have to enter her room like this… Isn't it kind of a breach of privacy?

WAIT NO. DON'T DO THIS TO ME SCRIPT! I refuse to think MC's lines! I won't think of what MC was thinking before…

Shaking my head, I gently open the door.

"Sayori?"

To my great relief, I find no Sayori themed pinatas awaiting me. She's in her bed, fast asleep. While I am relieved, I am also a tinge concerned to find that she's in her school uniform - did she not take it off over the weekend?

I shake her awake.

"Five more minutes mu- Makoto? What're you doing here?"

Makoto huh? Good to know.

"I wanted to wake you up. You've been late a bunch lately, and I realised over the weekend that I've probably been being an awful friend to you. A good friend would've been helping you wake up when you started sleeping in, whereas I could barely bother to wait up for you."

"Wh-What? Don't beshort yourself!"

"Belittle."

"Eh… I can't speak properly until I've got some coffee in me. My point is, you're a good friend, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!"

"Thanks Sayori. But I do feel like I've been neglecting you lately… tell you what, today, I'll do whatever you ask."

"R-Really?"

"Well… within reason."

"Well then… How about you join me at my club after school?"

"You're at the literature club, right? Sure, I'd be up for that, I've been meaning to read more often anyway."

"Sweet! You're the best MC!"

Huh. So MC is still at least a nickname for me.

"I know you are but what am I?"

"Ehehe, stop, you're embarrassing me!"

I promptly boop her nose and run downstairs, as she chases in mock anger after me.

After chastising me, cheeks aflame, she glances at the clock.

"Oh no! I've made us both late, haven't I..."

"Don't worry Sayori, that clock is off. We've got just enough time, if we rush."

We rush to school. I know virtually nothing of Japanese tradition, but I'm pretty sure we're supposed to trade out shoes or something. I look across the rows of lockers, and finally find one with Makoto on it. I trade out my shoes, and rush to my first class, Chemistry. Then to physics. A quick recess, but I couldn't find any of the club members (Not that I had any excuse to talk to any of them aside from Sayori anyway). Then to English. English was weird for me. I could read and write it at a fluent level, since, you know, I'm fluent, but I couldn't figure out how to actually speak in English, since to my mind I was speaking English the rest of the time.

Japanese was horrible. It was the inverse of English - I could speak it, but I hadn't even the vaguest clue how to write Japanese. I got some weird looks for that. I'm going to have to learn how to write in Japanese, and fast.

Then lunchtime. I did see Monika, and more chillingly, I think Monika saw me. And by saw me I mean… well, she may know that I'm sentient too. I don't have a good excuse to talk to her though, at least not yet.

Finally, after some history and maths, it's finally time to head to the clubroom. Sayori, as usual, shows up to take me.

"Hey MC! I'm holding you to your word, okay? Oh, and by the way, Natsuki made cupcakes, so if you're thinking of backing out last minute like a big ol meanie, maybe that'll change your mind."

"My mind needs no changing, I'm coming to your club, alright? So wait, does Natsuki make cupcakes all the time or something?"

"Ehehe, I may have told her I was getting a new member… before actually asking if you wanted to join."

"Heh. Wise of you to trick Natsuki into doing that. If not for my decision to treat you nicer than I usually do, cupcakes would've been a perfect way to lure me in my selfish ways."

"It, it wasn't a trick! Meanie."

And thus, today marks the day I sold my soul for a cupcake.


	2. Join The Club

Authors Note:  
Well damn, 8 follows before I'm even on chapter 2! I recognise most of you guys from In My Hand, thanks for the support, and especially thanks for your kind comments. And yes, bravo TitanSolracar, enjoy your cookie. I have a really busy week of school ahead of me, so I'm afraid I won't be able to upload again until this weekend at the earliest, but oh well. Enjoy.

* * *

I walk into the club, Sayori eagerly skipping along with me. Geez, with her energy and chipper attitude, it's no wonder MC had no clue about Sayori's depression.

I look around the room. It's so weird to see this room from this perspective, I'm so used to the fixed perspective in game.

"Everyone! The new member is here!" Sayori shouts.

Monika's eyes instantly latch onto me. She's definitely more interested in me than a random, new member of the club, I can see it in her eyes… She knows. I hope she knows I'm sentient, and doesn't think I'm just the player's guinea pig like MC is in the game.

Yuri puts down her book, and says "Welcome to the Literature Club, it's a pleasure to meet you. Sayori always says nice things about you."

Propaganda, excellent. Thank you Sayori, for you have fooled them and now they are not prepared for my wicked ways - wait what am I saying?

Natsuki takes one look at me, and groans.

"Seriously, you brought a boy? Way to kill the atmosphere."

"Seriously, you have a gremlin? Way to kill the atmosphere."

Yuri laughs, before suddenly going red and retracting into her book. She's reading Project of Markov, as usual.

Natsuki harumphs.

"I'm sorry Natsuki, I was just trying to make a joke to break the ice."

"Wait, how do you know my name? Did Sayori tell you?"

Crap. Off to a bad start. Based on the look Sayori is giving me, I'm guessing she's never mentioned the club members, at least not by name.

"Uh… How many pink haired sub 5 foot students do you think there are in the school? Your name, alongside a relevant description, came up in one of my classes, I think Chem."

Phew, thank goodness I'm good at thinking on my feet, that was close.

"Sure thing, Stalker-Boy. Sounds like a likely story."

"I'm not a - forget it, this will just encourage you."

"Hey, my locker's 136 if you need to know where to send your secret admirer letters! I'd ask that you not put a GPS tracker on me though, stalking me in person is so much more romantic."

Oh God, this is going to be a long day.

"Why Natsuki, already asking me to be romantic around you! So forward!"

"GAH! Shut up, dummy!"

"Do I perchance detect a blush upon your cheeks?"

"N-No! That's my righteous rage!"

I decide to quit while I'm ahead. And while I still have a head, because I think if I push Natsuki much further, she'll deliver a falcon punch to the face.

Yuri puts down her book.

"H-Hey… Makoto is it?"

"Yeah, but my friends call me MC. And you?"

"Eh? Well, my name is Yuri, but my friends call me… Yuri."

She looks away, flustered.

"Cool, it's a pleasure to meet you Yuri!"

Finally, Monika.

"Ah, Makoto! What a nice surprise! Welcome to the club!"

Of course, that stupid thing about shared classes. As if she'd know the name of some random person she barely knew in one class. Wait… can some people actually do that?

All words escape me in this situation.

This club… _is full of inedibly cut squirrels!_

I feel like I got the quote wrong somehow. Eh, take it or leave it script.

Sayori introduces the girls formally, word for word following the script. A script I'd really rather she not be following, seeing as the club kinda has a 160% mortality rate (8 deaths across 5 participants).

"And it sounds like you already know Monika, is that right?"

"That's right. It's great to see you again MC!"

God, no wonder the MC said she was out of his league. I mean, a drunk middle-aged woman working at McDonalds was out of that asshole's league, but she just had everything on her side. She was, inside and out, unapproachably out of the league of humanity. So having her smile this genuinely at me feels…

"The feeling is mutual!"

Sayori invites me to sit down, and I take a seat next to her. Monika looks ever so slightly downtrodden about my not sitting next to her… I feel a pang of guilt, but I can contact her soon enough, one on one.

While Sayori and Natsuki bicker about who should fetch the cupcakes, and Yuri grabs a teaset, I sense Monika's intense gaze. I still can't tell if she knows that the player is actually here, or if she thinks they're just watching through the MC as is usually the case.

Natsuki is now brandishing a tray. In spite of knowing exactly what the grand reveal will show, I join Sayori in exclaiming "Uwoooooah!". The cupcakes look absolutely amazing.

"Those are awesome! Hey, I'm going to call you Natsukitty from now on. No, wait, Catsuki!"

"Oh, cute nicknames MC! You know what I'm going to call you? Bedridden, if you ever actually call me that!"

Oof.

After Sayori compliments Natsuki's baking prowess, we each grab a cupcake. It feels almost immoral to bite into this piece of art, this wondrous sugary tapestry…

I can't help but notice Natsuki sneaking glances at me, as I hunt for part of the cupcake which I would feel least guilty about taking a chunk out of. Once I finally find a spot (cats don't need two ears it's fine.), the taste hits me. A quick reminder- I hadn't eaten anything other than frozen peas for 8 months. And this was a rich, beautiful, delicious cupcake. My body spasms in shock, totally unable to handle this, and I collapse to the floor.

"Oh hardy har har MC. You know, I put a lot of effort into those… not like it was for you, but you know, still. Rude."

Sayori frowns. "Th-This isn't like him. I'm just going to quickly check he isn't having an epileptic sausage or something."

Yuri facepalmed. "Seizure, Sayori. How did you get the word epileptic but not the word seizure?"

"My friend is having a sedative Yuri! I'm not stupid, I know what a ceasefire is, but I'm panicking!"

"... How did you make two DIFFERENT errors on seizure? It's not a difficult word Sayori."

"Uh, guys? Turns out he actually is having a senior. We gotta get him to the nurse!"

"... Yeah helping your friend get medical attention is more important than correcting you again."

I have limited control over my eyes right now, but Natsuki looks like she's actually concerned, and feeling guilty, emotions I don't typically associate with her.

They pick me up, and take me to the nurse's office. After a few minutes, my system is finally in good enough condition for me to sit up and talk.

"So uh… What happened to the rest of my cupcake?"

Sayori glares at me. "Are you seriously going to eat the rest of that cupcake?"

"Well yeah. It was a friggin fantastic cupcake. 10/10 would have a seizure again."

I can see Natsuki grin a little in the background.

"H-How did you have a seizure from one bite of her cupcake? It wasn't even a large bite." Yuri queried.

"Uhhhhhhhhhhh I blame Sayori."

"E-Eh? And why would that be, you meanie?"

"Okay fine maybe it wasn't her. Maybe some of my dietary choices haven't been wise."

"What, did you skip breakfast or something?"

"I hadn't eaten anything aside from frozen peas for 8 months."

The four of them stare at me, aghast.

"EIGHT MONTHS? JESUS, YOU COULD'VE BEEN KILLED!" Monika exclaimed.

Now why didn't anyone tell me that _before_ I died in the real world? A little late Monika.

"Oh, you exaggerate. But that's why I reacted so violently. I went from months of peas to an amazing, sugary, icing covered goddess that disguised itself as a cupcake."

"Why would you not have eaten anything but peas!?" Sayori yelled.

"I'm not made of money. Food is a waste of money. You do the maths."

"Aww, but I hate maths - oh you mean the figure of speech. Right. Well, food isn't a waste of money, it's something you need in order to survive!"

"Surviving costs too much. I've been saving virtually every penny - I mean, yen, for a while now so as to avoid student debt and save up for a deposit on a house. In doing so, I've… cut back on luxury products."

The girls look very concerned.

"Define luxury products." Yuri asked nervously.

"You know, fancy clothes, entertainment products, coffee, hygiene items, healthcare, the water supply, food..."

"... Well that's unhealthy, we should address that with you at some later date. But uh, you seem to be a lot better, maybe we should take this back to the literature club."

We begin to walk over. I'd like to talk to Monika in private sooner rather than later, but first, Yuri starts chatting with me on the way back to the club.

"So Makoto, what books do you like to read?"

"Well… ah..."

I read a bunch as a kid, but I'm afraid I mostly dropped the habit when I went to high school, so I can't really answer that question.

"Um… Well I'm afraid I haven't been reading enough recently to have an answer to that… that's actually a major part of why I came to the club in the first place, that was a habit that I'd like to return to."

"It is a good habit to possess. You say return to?"

"Oh yeah, I read all the time before high school. Back then I was more into action and comedic books. I was a kid at the time though. Of what I have read lately, I like it most when it raises questions about utilitarianism, or economic things like class warfare. Oh, and I adored Flowers for Algernon, if you haven't read that, do. What about you?"

"Well, I'm quite impartial to novels which build deep and complex fantasy worlds. The sheer creativity and craftsmanship behind such works always delights me. Of course, anything which envelops me in a new world is great. Stories with psychological elements also appeal to me because of that. It's really incredible how a good author can use your own lack of imagination to throw you for a loop. In the last few weeks, I've been mostly reading some horror titles."

Her passion for reading was always my favourite element of her personality. Her other passions involved a few too many pens and a tad too much cutting open my skin and crawling inside it for my taste. I prefer a reader to a bleeder.

"Horror? Huh, you never struck me as the type to enjoy horror. Always seemed more gentle than that to me." Monika comments.

"I… I suppose that's a fair statement. But if horror books can transport me to a new world, or make me think about new perspectives, I'll happily read them."

Natsuki grumbles. "I hate horror."

Yuri glances at her. "Oh? Why is that?"

"W-Well, I just… Never mind."

"Oh that's right, you usually like to write about cute things, don't you? Like what you were working on last time, that poem called -"

"DON'T SAY IT OUT LOUD!"

"Ehehe, your poems, your cupcakes..." Sayori said, placing her hands on Natsuki, "... Everything you do is just as cute as you are!"

"I'm not cute!" she shouted in an adorable fashion.

"Come on Sayori, it's not nice to pick on little kids."

"GOD DAMMIT MC! I'm shoving the rest of the cupcake in your mouth when we get to the club you ass."

"Oh no, not the cupcakes! You're a cruel one Natsuki! That's ancient medieval torture right there!"

"Hardy har. I figure if a bite gives you a seizure, the whole thing will put you in a dang coma."

"Alright, but this isn't Sleeping Beauty. I know Natsuki has made her attraction to me clear, but girls, promise me you won't let her have her way with me while I'm out."

"I Solomon swear." Sayori said.

"I don't, and it's solemnly, what's wrong with you today Sayori?" Yuri added.

Natsuki goes red. "I don't have a crush on you, you friggin perv!"

"Sure thing sweetie."

"Hey! That's Natsweetie- I mean, Natsuki to you! And I really don't like you!"

"Your cheeks tell a different story."

"No! I mean, I get it, I'm pretty dang awesome, who wouldn't want me to have a crush on them, but your delusions are only hurting your chances of ever actually getting with me. I'm sure you like the idea of us getting into that closet over there, you stroking my pink locks, as we stare into each others eyes, kissing, and we pull off each other's uniforms and-"

"What the fuck Natsuki." Monika said, mouth agape.

"Yeah. I was messing with you Natsuki, where the hell did that come from?"

"What happens next?" Sayori said, looking genuinely confused. "Why would you take off your uniform there? It'll get dirty from the janitor's equipment and you'll just have to put them back on."

We burst out laughing, as Sayori harrumphed, vexed at what we were all on about.

Luckily for Natsuki, once we're done laughing, we move on from what she had been saying.

Monika snaps her fingers. "Say, Natsuki's poem thing earlier gave me an idea. What if we all make poems, and present them at the next club meeting? That way, everyone's even!"

Yuri and Natsuki react with polite silence, while Sayori exclaims "Yeah! Let's do it!"

"Plus, now that we have a new member, I think it will help us all get a little more comfortable with each other, and strengthen the bond of the club. Isn't that right, Makoto?"

"Sounds great! Hey Monika, can I quickly have a word with you?"

"Uh, not right now, I'm afraid I have something really important to do tonight. But how about we chat after poems tomorrow?"

Damn. I really don't want to have to wait that long, but I can't think of a way to communicate how important this talk is without the other girls being concerned. Maybe if I try to make it clear that I know?

"Sure Monika, I'd be game for that! A.I.- Sorry, I mean I, look forward to it. Cough the universe is a lie cough."

I know, I know. Maybe I was too subtle. It is a blessing and a curse.

"Uh okay glad you're up for that chat. See you tomorrow MC!"

Damn.

Sayori walks up to me.

"Wanna walk home together?"

"Sure, sounds great!"

While we walk home, I realise something. D-Does the poem mini-game system still exist? Uh… I guess I'll test that tomorrow. I'll bring in 20 random words, and if they don't like it, I'll pretend I'd given the wrong sheet and show an actual poem.

I glance over at Sayori. She's the most friendly ticking time bomb I've ever encountered. I can't let events pass as they did in game…

"Hey, you know what I said about doing your bidding today?"

"Eh? Oh yeah, I recall."

"You haven't really taken advantage of it. Sure, I went to the literature club, but is there anything else you'll do with this temporary slave labour?"

She thought about it for a moment. "Weirdly, no, nothing comes to mind. Don't suppose you have any suggestions?"

"Hmm… I know, how about we have a sleepover! I remember you liking those."

"E-Eh? But, but we haven't had one of those since we were in Middle School! And well, you're male, I'm female… I don't want to have to explain the birds and bees to you, but with that, it's kinda going to look weird to have a sleepover at our age."

"Don't worry about the birds and bees talk, I know that. You see, when a mummy and a daddy love each other very much they chuck bees at one another and then a baby appears."

"Th-That is a joke right?"

"... Yes Sayori. But in terms of social convention… well who's going to stop us? Our parents seem to be perpetually gone."

"Now that you mention it, our parents really are pituitary glands."

Did Monika do something to her intelligence? She seems to have been slipping up on words a lot today.

"... Right then. So do you want to have a sleepover then?"

"Yeah sure! My house or yours?"

"Let's have it at your house. I'll go grab some necessities and snacks!"

Fortunately, unlike real world me, MC has a large, non-pea based pantry. I grab some chips, and candy, as well as some pyjamas, and go to join her. As I walk out, I look across the road at the weird, procedurally generated homes I mentioned earlier, that fill up the bits of the game that never actually existed. I'm about to move on, when I notice one glitch a tinge. I stare into the window of the house.

A pair of green eyes stare back.

God damn that is creepy. Why is she not reacting to my looking at her? Oh yeah, I suppose she thinks the actual in-game camera is still facing the player towards Sayori's house. I have really got to bring that up with her tomorrow - stalking me is not an attractive feature. But as Sayori bursts out, I have no choice but to focus my attention on her.

"Hey Makoto! I've tidied up a bit, so you can come on in now!"


	3. Hanging Out

Authors Note:  
Thanks for the positive feedback! And MineMan64, both you and my brother pointed out an oversight which I would like to address. That being, why does Sayori know about the birds and the bees, but not get what would be happening in the closet? In fairness, I do think she would know about the birds and the bees, she's 18 after all, so it would've come up, but the idea of any indecent acts taking place on school grounds would not cross her sweet little noggin. That was my thinking at the time, but I can totally see how that would set off the CinemaSins impulse within us all.

* * *

"Time to oversleep!"

"Sleepover, Sayori. We should really _not_ oversleep, we were almost late today because you overslept."

She pressed her fingers together, a pose that looks really weird but also even cuter in this 3D environment.

'E-Eh? Meanie! Stop picking on my grammar, okay? And it was your choice to wake me up, I wasn't holding _you_ up."

"Heh, don't worry Sayori, it's not a big deal. Say, do we have any tests soon?"

"Wh-What? Do you not remember your own tests? Geez, you're worse than me sometimes! Ehehe! In any case, no, none for a few weeks, thank goodness."

Well that's good.

"Nice. So do you want to watch a movie or something?"

 _ **An hour and a half later**_

"Sayori, why are you crying?"

"Sniff… The movie."

"We're watching friggin Charlie Brown and the Chocolate Factory. What about that makes you sad?"

"I saw that Film Theory about how much the factory costs and now I feel sorry for poor Charlie Brown! Legal fees are going to saddle him with debt!"

First off, terrible theory. I could beat on that theory harder than Dadsuki beats Natsuki. Entertaining, as always, but not correct, Wonka could just fix the violations and still make an enormous profit instead of giving away the company, plus good luck getting _health and safety inspectors_ in there to sue them. His theories are usually clearly flawed. He's a smart guy and he's funny though, so I still watched his videos until my demise.

That's beside the point though, it's just really interesting to see how much the real world and DDLC's world are intersecting. I wonder, how much of the internet is still up and running?

"Hey Sayori, wanna watch some Youtube, or play a co-op game?"

"Yes!"

"... It was an either-or question, yes is not a correct respon-"

"YES!"

"... Co-op game it is!"

I look online for Fireboy and Watergirl, the only online co-op game I can think of.

"Uh… MC, what's this?"

Oh right. I kind of assumed the game was also popular in Japan. Uh...

"A pen pal from Australia recommended it to me. You use the arrow keys or WASD, it's a co-op puzzle platformer thing. It's quite fun."

"Oh, okay."

We play it for quite a while. God, I hadn't played this since I was 13, the nostalgia right now is just… wow.

By the time we stop, it's dark outside.

"So now what MC?"

"Uh… "

I'm hesitant to suggest anything now. I sort of want to watch some Youtube, but how do I know if what I'm suggesting is even a thing in Japan? I mean, apparently she watched MatPat somehow, even though his videos are only available in English in the real world… Unless she watched them with subtitles? Or was actually watching them in English? Nah, she barely knows her native language, let alone a second one. Maybe in this world some English speaking popular figures are Japanese? Whatever the case, I only know one Youtuber that I KNOW speaks Japanese, being that weird Kizuna AI person.

I suddenly realise that while I was going off on this tangent, Sayori had ran off. Dang, I finally get what they're talking about when they talk about characters spacing out, I never did that in the real world.

"Sayori?"

She runs in holding… A rope. The one she used for the noose in game.

"Hey MC! You've been acting all nostril garlic all day, so I figured we would do some skipping again!"

God. Fucking. Dammit. Really universe?

"Nostalgic, not nostril garlic."

"I ASKED YOU TO STOP CRITICISING MY GRAMMAR!"

"You can remember that from like 4 hours ago, but not how to pronounce nostalgic?"

She sticks out her tongue at me. We quickly grow tired of skipping, both literally and metaphorically, and decided to move onto something else.

"Got any consoles?"

"Well I did have a Switch, but I mean those are uber rare at the moment so I kinda sold it at a huge markup. I'll buy another one when they're more accessible."

"Sorry, are you saying you were a scalper?"

"I removed nobody's scalp! What the hell MC, where'd you get that idea?"

"Sayori, scalpers are people who buy heavily in demand entertainment objects to sell them to others for an enormous profit."

"Oh yeah in that case basically. Oh, I do still have a Wii in the attic… but to get that I'd need to go into the attic so no thank you."

"Is that a not so subtle request for me to fetch your Wii?"

"And so the master has become the grasshopper."

"Sorry what?"

"N-Never mind, just grab it! It'll be in the box labelled Wii."

"You know somehow I suspect I could've figured that out actually."

"Really? How?"

Is… Is she serious? Is she asking how I would identify that the Wii is in the box labelled "Wii"?

I seriously need to check what Monika's done to her before Sayori ends up failing a test or something, she's really a lot more stupid now than she was in game. She wasn't a genius by any means, her grades were probably mostly the initials to the Cinnamon Bun that she is. But now she'd probably fail outright.

She was, and still is, a sweet, kind, caring soul, and that's what matters, but I suspect the marking schedule doesn't include "Does student exude comfort and happiness to those around her?". And I don't know how long this simulation is lasting for, so test results may actually matter, in which case she is not ready in her current mental condition.

Heading up into the attic, I feel around for a light switch. I find something that presses in, but it seems more like… Oh God...

"Ow!"

The light flicks on, and Monika appears in my vision. My forefinger is hovering over her eye, which I evidently just pressed on in my pursuit of a light switch.

"Eh? Makoto, did you hurt yourself? If so, Imma mock you for your girlish yelp there, ehehe. That cry was distinctly feminine, kinda sounded like Monika actually. Wait, I mean, I'll help you like a good friend."

"First off, fantastic save. Second, nah, that was a squeaky floorboard."

"Oh, mkay. Hurry up and find that Wii for Mii!"

I'm about to moan about her saying "Wii for Mii" but then I realise she'd probably just said "me" and my brain automatically heard "Mii" because I'm a friggin nerd.

Monika seems to still be hoping I can't see her. She's making no effort to hide, she's just standing there, still observing me.

I whisper "You know I can see you, right?"

She backed off, stunned.

"D-Does that mean you saw me in the window earlier too?"

"Yeah I was meaning to bring that up. That was really friggin creepy Monika."

"Ahaha, yeah I suppose it was."

She shifted into the position where she's basically leaning forwards as far as possible. You know, that position that defied any vague concept of the laws of physics. I'm not sure if her posture with that position is compatible with having a human spine.

"MC! Hurry up!" Sayori whines.

"I'm sorry, when I heard I was looking for a small white thing that's 12 years old, I thought you were describing Natsuki. My bad."

I scooch past Monika to grab the Wii, and bring it downstairs.

Once it's set up, she shoves Super Mario Galaxy into the disc drive.

"I'm pretty sure this is not supposed to be a multiplayer game."

"Oh yeah? Then explain why there's two controllers." She says smugly, passing the Nunchuk over to me.

"... You know what, sure, let's go with that."

Man, this has been great fun! Why the hell didn't the real MC hang out with her more often?

Wait

No I swear that one wasn't intentional. I just genuinely wanted to know why he didn't spend more time with her, okay?

Uh… Where was I?

I look right. We're both sprawled out on the floor, with a bowl of chips and the connector between the Wiimote and Nunchuk between us. There's an enormous number of crumbs underneath Sayori's face. She's currently holding one between her lips, and staring intently at the screen.

"Ngacaca? Cerm ong!"

"E-eh? What is it Sayori?"

She drops her chip out onto the pile of crumbs on the floor.

"I said "Makoto? Come on!". You were just staring at me instead of playing."

"Oh, sorry. You just look really cute like that."

A hint of red adorned her cheeks.

"H-Hey! That's embarrassing you meanie!"

We continued playing. I can't help but notice that both Sayori and I are slowly shuffling closer together. Eventually, she takes a position where she's resting on my lap. I look down at her and think about -

"Okay that's about enough of that!" Monika's voice suddenly appeared in my mind.

"Jesus!" I blurt out.

Sayori stares at me in confusion. "What the heck? Are you okay?"

"Uh… Yeah, I was just um… praying."

"That's an unusual prayer. Don't those usually involve more than one word?"

"Well you know, it's… important to remember Jesus in day to day life. Blurting out his name at completely irrelevant times, that's just my personal way of keeping him in mind."

"Wait a minute, you're Christian?"

Shit. That's right, Christianity makes up like 2% of the population in Japan.

"Uh… yeah."

She harrumphed. "First you don't tell me about your pen pal, now you don't tell me when you've changed religion, next thing you know you won't even tell me your own name! Go on, what's your name?"

"... You already know my name."

"And see how he dodges the question!"

I roll my eyes, and decide to focus on Monika's voice in my head.

So then Monika… can you hear my thoughts?

"Yep! I didn't think I'd be able to do it, but turns out the NSA already has that technology on you anyway!"

Well that's concerning. Can you please never use that again?

"I dunno, do you plan on getting too close to the girl on the wrong end of the lasso?"

Jesus Monika. Did you always know that you were going to get her killed?

"No, my initial intention wasn't to kill her. I wanted her just depressed enough to feel unworthy of your attention, not actually dead. But evidently I can't do that. The game won't let me get with the player unless everyone else is dead. I can't not kill her, I tried that on my second playthrough."

But this time the player actually exists! I actually am the player. I'm the puppeteer, not the puppet!

"I'm sure you believe that bud. But I've been through this enough times, this is just some really bizarre attempt on the scripts part to push the game back on track after I reduced Sayori's IQ this time. This isn't even the weirdest way it's done so. Once it made Yuri and I date for 4 months pre-game just to adjust for my editing Sayori's favourite food from cookies to cupcakes. Weirdly enough, that did somehow _actually work_. I still dream of Yuri at night sometimes though."

Okay then, that's… weird.

"In any case, the script will go to great lengths to correct itself. It seems you're the game's method this time."

No I'm not! Wh-What if I can find a way to prove it somehow?

"I don't see how you would, but sure. You do that, and I won't be creating any Sayori themed pendulums, deal?"

Deal. Also please stay out of my mind and stop stalking me. You make it really hard to want to save you.

"S-Save me?"

Oh, and load you too.

"Haha, I'm going to need more than a prophetic knowledge of my future poems to prove you're for real. But seriously, save me from what?"

Goodbye Monika.

"Oh, you're no fun. Fine, I'll go. You've got under a week pal."

And with that, she's gone. I resume paying full attention to the game.

We play for another hour.

Yawning, Sayori stretches and moves from my lap. "So I guess it's time to hit the hay, huh?"

"Yup. Where will I be sleeping?"

"In my room, like the old days."

"Uh… In a sleeping bag?"

"Ehehe, you're funny MC. No, we'll share the bed."

Dear Christ I hope Monika is no longer monitoring me. She'd be livid at this.

"Won't that be a little weird?"

"Nah, we won't be, y'know… We're just going to sleep. Together."

"That still sounds weird to me."

"How about this, we're going to sleep as friends with benefits."

"Do you know what "friends with benefits" means?"

"It's friends with whom your relationship is beneficial."

"... No, no it's not. Come up with a new way of phrasing it, that phrasing is way weirder."

"We're going to leave the realm of consciousness on a shared mattress."

"You know strangely enough that's actually the least weird way you've said it. I can work with that."

And so we went to her room to sleep. My mind is swirling with all that's happened today… I'm going to need to find some way to prove to Monika that I'm real. I don't know how I could possibly sleep knowing all that I have to do, and with Sayori just inches away... I can't possibly fall asleep under these conditions -

Wait what's that beeping sound?

Oh. It's Sayori's alarm clock. I guess I did fall asleep. 6 AM.

I wake her up, and we prepare for school together.

print(Countdown_formatted)  
138h 36m 28s remaining.

Tick tock MC. You'd best hurry, or this little cinnamon bun is going to get burnt.


	4. A Tumultuous Tuesday

Author's Note:  
Charlie Brown and the Chocolate Factory.  
Now, some may say this film doesn't exist, and that Charlie Brown is the one with a yellow and black pattern on his shirt, and that I was actually thinking of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Some may say I accidentally got the title wrong and am now pretending it's a joke so that I don't look silly.  
I can neither confirm nor deny that claim.  
I'm keeping that mista - I mean, intentional joke though. Because funny.  
Also Mineman, I'm sorry the title to the last chapter upset you. No need to _beat_ around the bush, if you want me to _cut_ out the hanging puns, you won't be _hung_ out to dry.  
And thanks again everyone for the positive feedback!

* * *

"Come on Makoto! I thought I was the one who was bad at getting ready in the morning!"

She's not wrong. Am I experiencing like… interdimensional jetlag? Is that a thing? Also how was I awake enough to get Sayori up this morning? Right now I feel about 30% conscious.

"Getting up is for Commies. It's in their manifesto, I wanna go back to bed."

"Okay one, even I know enough about politics to know that's wrong. Two, don't say that in public, some people who actually are communist might get upset."

Oh yeah, that's right. I have a vague memory of looking at Japan's general elections on Wikipedia (I know, only really cool people look up elections in other countries on Wikipedia. I'm a heccin rebel.) and seeing that the Communist Party still had like 8% of the vote.

"Fine, I'll stop."

I scrunch up a piece of toast and shove it in my mouth, much to Sayori's amusement, and rush to the door.

"Yay, you're finally ready Makoto! Let's go!"

"Okie doki!"

"Why did you say Okie Doki?"

… Oh come on, now I feel so tempted to burst into the song, but I somehow doubt singing DDLC fan songs here is a good idea.

"Uh… just as a Stupendium - I mean, a stupendous way to say yes."

"Stupendium, Fireboy and Watergirl, changing religion, the Communist jokes, being nicer to me… You've been really weird lately. Not in a bad way, but just… are you alright MC?"

"YEP I'M NOT SUSPICIOUS LOOK A DISTRACTION."

Sayori suddenly turned around and looked around wildly.

"Where is it Makoto? Where's the distraction?"

Oh my God Monika has made her this stupid and even with that she's still suspicious of me. I am so, so getting caught soon.

"Oh, never mind, it's gone. And we're at school so bye!"

"Wait come back here Makoto I'm not done with… wait he's looking away, he can't see me, I can't see him, my mistake. I guess I'll have to catch up with him at the club."

Sorry what? Okay I seriously need to get her back to her more average intelligence, this is just sad.

After some History and English, I decide to look around for my fellow literature club members. Knowing Yuri, she's either in the library, or in the bathroom … learning medieval doctoring practices. Which is to say bloodletting. Which is to say cutting herself - You know I think it worked better as a polite analogy before I clarified what it meant, let's pretend that didn't happen.

To my delight, I find her in the library, with no sharp objects in hand. The library looks like it came straight out of an anime version of Hogwarts. You know, minus the flying books. Note to self we need flying books.

"Ma-Makoto? What are you doing here?"

"You mean to say what am I, a school student, doing at the school library, a place where school students read? It truly is a mystery, one that befuddles time itself."

"Okay that's fair."

She looks away, embarrassed. Oh right, my normal teasing may be a tad inconsiderate for someone as shy as Miss Knaifu Waifu over here. Calling her that is in turn yet more inconsiderate to Miss Human Dissection Opportunity. Okay I'm just going to stop now before this can get any worse how did I get into Heaven I'm a terrible person and -

"U-Uh Makoto? You kinda started hyperventilating and whispering something about fives."

"Yes. Fives. Nothing else. Definitely nothing that rhymes with that."

"I now definitely think it was something that rhymes with that but okay I'll move on. I'm reading a good book at the moment, so I-I, well, urk..."

"Is that an invitation for me to read it with you?"

"Y-yes, that."

I was never as fond of Yuri as the other Doki's in real life. I mean, it was nice that she was actually interested in literature, which was surprisingly rare for the group, but otherwise she just kind of creeped me out. Licking icing off Natsuki's finger was a bit much, let alone licking blood off of mine. I don't like to think of blood as finger lickin' good.

However, now that I was actually in their world, I found Yuri's personality far more endearing. The shy, rather intense bookworm thing works a lot better in the flesh. She'd also argue that a knife works a lot better in the flesh. God, why can't I stop making those jokes? I'm beginning to feel bad about how many jokes I make about her self harm.

She gestured towards a spot next to her. I sit down at that location with all the grace of a drunk hippopotamus, and I can sense for just a second Yuri's irritation.

"Eh, sorry about that. Deft movement doesn't run in the family."

"I see. So would you like a brief summary of the book?"

"Sure!"

"Well, it's about this girl in high school who moves in with her long lost sister. But as soon as she does, her life gets really strange. She gets targeted by these people who escaped from a human experiment prison, and while her life is in danger, she must desperately choose who to trust. But no matter what she does, her life and relationships crumble around her."

Ah yes. If I recall correctly, in Act 2, she describes it in an… interesting fashion. I do hope there is not too much in the way of affixing limbs to some unspecified object. That has rarely added to my reading experience in past.

"Well what sort of good novel doesn't contain some handy dandy human experimentation?"

"W-What? You seem… less unnerved than I expected. Aside from Monika, anyone I've ever described a book like that to has been quite alarmed."

"Oh, I'm sorry, would you like me to pretend to be trembling in my boots? Why the shock is just too much. I fear my heart is palpitating!"

"Oh phooey. Knock it off."

"Oh dear, the only thing that'll I'll be knocking is my knees together. You've given me goosebumps."

"Please Makoto, have mercy."

I collapse to the floor.

"Oh come on. Now you're just making a fool of yourself. Get up."

* * *

"Makoto?"

* * *

The bell rings.

"Way to ruin this for me…" She murmured under her breath.

"See you at the club. I guess we'll read there."

* * *

Four hours later, Monika comes over.

"You know what you shouldn't do the day after going to the nurse for a seizure? Set yourself up into a position where a heart issue would seem like a comedic gag. If this were real life, you'd be dead right now. So, you're welcome."

I can hear some keys tapping, and I regain full control of my body.

"Now come on, we've both got to go to English. This is the only day of the week we have it in the same class! Usually I'm in AP and you're in, well, let's just say definitely not AP. But today we can actually hang out, since the AP teacher can't make it on Tuesday's!"

"D-Did I miss four periods?"

"That's seriously your concern right now? You just got revived. You were clinically dead for at least three hours!"

"Ah, but I was just _mostly_ dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive."

Monika stared at me.

"Huh. A Princess Bride reference. Maybe you aren't the MC after all, he'd never watch something like that. No joke, in one run through he told me he has an MFJT. What's an MFJT you ask? A 'Minimum Fart Joke Tally'. It's a surprisingly deep field of study. There are _**17**_ variables which decide the value. He learned what a coefficient was from that! I believe it involved some elements of string theory!"

"Wow. I mean, gotta admire the passion behind developing that system, but wow."

"I know right? By the way, we're here."

We walk into the class, and she drags me to a seat next to hers.

"Oh, by the way, we AP students are supposed to teach the dumb - I mean, other students."

"Excellent save Monika, incredible job there. I was almost insulted, but then the true 100% genuine meaning of what you were saying was made clear."

Monika giggled.

"Ehehe, sorry. Wait for me to take a gander at the sheet, then I can show you how to do this."

Wait a minute. Wait just one minute. This is a writing and reading test. I speak English as a first language. Oh boy I can have some fun with this.

"Okay, I think I get it- Wait what? How are you already up to there?"

"The Konami code."

I see Monika quietly whisper the Konami code to herself.

"That didn't help. How are you vastly faster at this than I am?"

"The logical conclusion here is just that you've lost your touch. Don't worry Monika, academics isn't for everyone you know."

I see a pang of self doubt in Monika's eyes. These girls are _really good_ at guilt tripping me. I manage to not confess until I see a tear in the corner of Monika's eye.

"Hey Monika, may have forgotten to mention, in the real world which I come from, I'm a native English speaker."

Monika glances up at me, confused for a moment, then livid, then amused.

"Why you little asshole. Bravo, bravo."

The teacher then walked over.

"Get back to work you two. And mind your language, Monika, I expect better of you."

Monika looked a little shocked, but quickly came to her senses.

"S-Sorry sir. I'll get back to it."

As he walked away, Monika grabbed my sleeve.

"Closet. Now."

"Wait what? This is quite sudden Monika, take a guy to dinner first-"

She ignored me, and pulled me into the closet.

"Uh Monika? Seriously, what are you doing?"

"That teacher shouldn't exist."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Well, aside from assets that the player sees, and a few bits of scenery that the game can procedurally generate for the convenience of us AI, nothing here is supposed to actually exist. There's no teacher in the game. At best, there's a murky shadow at the front of the class."

I consider making a joke about Charlie Brown's teacher, but for some reason I feel like I've made a fool of myself regarding Charlie Brown recently, and so I stay silent.

"Wait a minute, if the teacher is real now then…"

It was a little dark, but I could just about see her face go bright red.

"Oh God the other students are probably real too. And they just saw me pull a male student into a closet."

She suddenly shoved me out of the closet. The students are indeed staring. I walk back to my desk, and a few moments later, Monika walked over to hers.

"Why did you think leaving a few seconds apart would improve the situation? Also I think you left your pen in there."

"I panicked okay? Also I'm not going back in there. Yuri could always use some more pens, she can have it."

"Y-You do know what she does with those right? Are you entirely comfortable with Yuri's penmanship?"

"She writes with them… And her handwriting is excellent, what are you talking about?"

"You don't know then, huh. Well I sure as hell don't intend to inform you of that."

"Makoto you're kinda scaring me here pal. I'm picturing some Norman Bates stuff going on here. What on Earth is Yuri doing with the pens she collects?"

As the bell rings, I walk off without answering.

"Come on Makoto, now I need to know!"

"See you at the club Monika!"

I wave goodbye to her, as I walk out into the hallway. Turns out this was a mistake, as I immediately bump into another student. Their books fall to the ground.

"Oh dear, I'm sorry!" I exclaim, and I rush to grab them all. Once I've collected them, I finally notice that the student I'd bumped into was Natsuki.

"Oh great. Should've figured Sayori's childhood friend would be a klutz too."

"Nice to see you too Natsuki. What subject have you got?"

"Hell on Earth."

"That applies to a lot of subjects. Which specific layer of Hell are we looking at?"

"Calculus."

Huh. I'm also headed to calculus. Maybe my schedule is designed to line up with the Doki's? If so, thanks angry receptionist angel.

"Same here. Hey uh do you happen to know what unit we're covering in Calculus?"

"AHAHAHAHAHA! Ah, thanks, I needed a laugh- Oh you're serious. Uh. Damn. How do you not know this? Whatever, it's integration."

Okay, on the one hand, I have already done integration, and I was good at maths in high school. On the other hand, I haven't done Calculus in almost half a decade. So that'll be… an experience.

We start walking to Calculus. Or rather Natsuki starts walking and I assume she's got the right directions and trail after her.

"Hey, it's the lovely Midgetsuki!" a male student called out.

Natsuki walked on with a scowl.

"A pity your grades aren't as close to A's as your cup size sweetie!" a female student chimed in.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that Natsuki is bullied, but it still hurts to see.

"What are you standing still for Makoto… we've got a class to get to..." she grumbled.

I started walking towards the bullies.

"Wait what? No, don't get involved!"

I tap the male one on the shoulder.

"Greetings, fellow student! First off, Midgetsuki is the shittiest insult name I've ever heard. I mean come on, if you're going to invest in being asinine, at least do us the favour of being good at it. There's barely even a connection there, you could've at least gone with something like Twatsuki that actually works. Secondly, try not disgracing your family name, and go about your daily business without picking on a girl half your size. It's a winning strategy, has worked really well for me."

He blinked at me rapidly. "W-What?"

I then turn around to face the female student who had insulted Natsuki, who looked similarly shocked.

"Oh and as for you, whoever you are, at least I must commend the joke there, that one was at least amusing. A pity your wit is at its greatest when commenting on those you think least of. Evidently, you distinctly lack said intellect in any academic pursuits, since your badge is for the dumbest core class around. Maybe try learning the alphabet before trying to suggest which letter other people should be aiming for."

I then walk off, as they try to stammer a retort of some form. Evidently they were completely unprepared for anyone to try and interfere with their usual mockery of Natsuki.

After Natsuki and I have walked far enough, Natsuki starts hopping up and down and cheering.

"Oh my gosh that was awesome! Fighting fire with fire, I like it! You should've seen Nariko's face! I mean I suppose you did, but damn you hit her right in the deep insecurities! That was great!"

Suddenly she stops and frowns.

"That was cool but why did you get involved? They'll probably come after you now, with a vengeance!"

"Oh I'd like to see them try. At least that Nariko one had a sharp tongue, but if… what's the male one's name?"

"Itsuo."

"Right, if he tries to come at me, he'll find it's unwise to enter a battle of wits unarmed."

"Heh. Oh yeah, we should get to calculus."

I may have won a _lot_ of brownie points with Natsuki for that. Actually considering how good she is at baking can I exchange those brownie points for actual brownies? Whatever the case, there's a seating plan so we aren't together, but I can tell she's pleased thanks to the enormous grin plastered to her face.

Come to think of it, thanks to my being dead for a couple hours, this should be the last period of the day!

And then it is time to club someone over the head.

Wait. No, then it is time to go to the Literature Club. Easy mistake.


	5. Ye Mighty Cookie Gods

I walk into the club, anticipating a hubbub of conversation… and am instead greeted by silence.

Yuri notices me, but being shy and a tad upset about the library earlier, looks back at her book quickly. Sayori has headphones on and is bopping her head to something. I wonder what she's listening t-

"HEY NOW, YOU'RE AN ALL STAR, GET YOUR SHOW ON, GO PLAY! HEY NOW, YOU'RE AN ALL STAR, GET YOUR SHOW ON, GET PAID!"

Yuri leapt out of her skin. "Sayori, what the Hell was that?"

Sayori pressed her fingers together, and looked away guiltily. "Ehehe, I'm uh, I like the chorus."

"So I gathered, but you don't have to inform those in Switzerland of that, you know. Maybe turn it down a notch next time, or we'll get noise complaints.", I note.

"Oh you're here now! Hi Makoto!"

"Salutations, Sayori. Looks like you're in a good mood today."

"Ehehe… I'm still not used to you being in the club, that's all."

"Huh. That's a pretty simple thing to get you into a good mood. I suppose finding joy in the simple things in life isn't unusual, maybe stuff like this is just your form of, say, comfort foods."

Sayori blinked at me. "That was uh… Unusually thoughtful of you. I feel weirdly like I'd normally have been insulted there… I can almost even remember you making fun of me here..."

Okay, she's remembering what the MC would normally do. I should probably tell Monika about that. Eh, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

"Hey, if you're feeling in a thoughtful mood, wanna come with me to buy some snacks? I'm kinda hungry..."

"No thanks, I'm not your personal credit card."

"Wh-What? I just wanted some company, you meanie!"

"Then I don't suppose you'd mind demonstrating that you do in fact have the cash for the food on you?"

"Th-That's private information Makoto. For shame! Stick your nose out of my finances."

"I'll do so the second your nose gets out of my wallet."

I grab her bag, and open it up. I pull out the coin purse, and shake the coins out onto the desk. A pathetic sum, she couldn't buy a thing with this.

"H-How did you know?"

"Why it's elementary dear Watson! Based on trigonometric measurements between here, Mt Fuji, and the moon, some carbon testing, 6 years in a North Korean prison, and a beaver with reindeer antler glued to its head-"

"You know what I'm just going to move on."

"Fair enough."

Sayori, still ravenous, turned to Yuri.

"Hey Yuri, tell Makoto to lend me some money."

"Wh-What? That's- Don't get me involved like that, Sayori. Besides, you should only buy what you can responsibly afford, and frankly, after pulling a stunt like that, your suffering is fair enough retribution."

As she realised what she'd said, she suddenly began backpedalling.

"Ah - Did I just… I-I didn't mean that! I just got too absorbed in my book. Uu..."

"Ahaha! I really like when you speak your mind Yuri, it doesn't happen much but it's a fun side of you. And you're right, I did something bad, and now I must face the revolution."

"VIVA LA REVOLUTION! LET US OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT!"'

"God, Makoto, keep it down please, we're in a public building. And Sayori, it's retribution, not revolution."

"Yes, I must face my resurrection."

"That is also incorrect. And possibly blasphemous. Retribution."

"That."

"Have to say, Sayori, I'm surprised at you! Guess there's a little devil inside all of us, isn't there?"

"There is? Get it out of me, get it out, now!"

"... Sayori, Yuri was speaking metaphorically."

"Ah, metamorphism, my bad."

"... Okay fine then. But hey, Yuri, take it from me, her dastardly ways come as no shock. She got Natsuki to make the cupcakes before even telling me to join the club! Behind the sweet facade, lies a tricky snake!"

"Okay, I think that's a bit extreme-"

"A mafia leader in the making!"

"That's definitely over the top-"

"Joseph Stalin reborn!"

"Are you done yet?"

"Yes."

"B-But… I didn't think you'd join if we didn't have cupcakes… so I had to trick Natsuki into baking them."

"Sniff… you think so little of me..."

"Remind me, who was the one calling their childhood friend Stalin reborn?"

"Okay, that's fair."

"In any ca- KYAA!"

Out of nowhere, something smacks Sayori in the face, and lands on her desk.

"Ow… my nose… What was that- Ehh?"

Her face somehow actually becomes an OwO. It's honestly just disturbing and medically concerning. Yuri also recoils, alarmed.

"A COOKIE?"

Glancing around for where this cookie came from, and possibly for any local Cookie Monsters who could deprive her of her chocolate chipped goodies, she finds nothing.

"Is… Is this a miracle? Is it because I paid my restitution?"

"Retribution, Sayori."

"Actually, that one almost worked."

Natsuki then came into sight.

"Haha! I was just gonna give it to you, but then I heard you blabbing about cupcakes. Totally worth it to see your reaction."

"Sure, Natsuki, it was totally you and not the cookie gods."

"... You're aware there aren't cookie gods right?"

"Of course I am… Cough all hail the mighty cookies gods cough."

"That took like 4 seconds to say Sayori, you can't just say it in between repeating the word cough and expect us to not hear it."

"LALALALA I'M NOT LISTENING! Oh, but if it is you, thank you Natsuki, that was nice of you."

Sayori then began drawing ideas for a cookie god shrine, while happily munching the cookie up.

"Uh… Okay, that was weird. Well, hope you enjoy."

"I bit my tongue!" Sayori shouted excitedly.

"Why is that a good thing? Actually no, I'm not even going to ask. I can't think of any good reason to be excited about pain."

Yuri went white and ducked further under her book. Thankfully Natsuki did not notice. Instead, she was pulling out her own cookie.

A bit of drool appeared in the corner of Sayori's mouth. "H-hey Natsuki. Your cookie also looks really good, mind if I take a bite?"

"Jeez, Sayori. Beggars can't be choosers."

"But yours is chocolate."

"Why do you think I gave you that one?"

"Fine… still, thank you for the cookie.", Sayori said, hugging Natsuki.

"Ah geez… I get it, I get it, it's fine, please get off me."

As she tried to nudge Sayori off, cookie in hand, Sayori bit in.

"Mmm, delicious!"

"D-Did you just… WHAT THE HELL SAYORI?!"

"Uhuhu" Sayori chuckled, running off to safety.

"Dammit Sayori that was half of my foo- uh, I mean half of my cookie! Could ya have at least gone for a small bite? Cmon Monika, back me up here."

The enormous support of exactly no one backed her up.

"Monika? Where is she? Do any of you guys know where the hell Monika is?"

"I may have a suspicion," I note.

"Oh?"

"Well you see, there was a certain location in which she was born and raised, back then in the playgrounds is where she spent most of her days, until a couple of guys who were up to no good, started causing trouble in her neighbourhood. She got in one little fight, and her mum got scared and said "You're moving with your uncle and aunty in Bel air."."

"GOD DAMMIT MAKOTO NOT THE TIME!" Natsuki yelled.

"Monika got into a fight? And where is this Bel air location?" Yuri queried, clearly unaware.

Sayori lit up, and suddenly chanted.

"DRINKING ORANGE JUICE OUT OF A CHAMPAGNE GLASS AND SHE SAID TO THE CABBIE "YO HOMIE SMELL YA LATER!" AND-"

The door swung open.

"Sorry! I'm super sorry! And uh, did I miss something? Why is Sayori singing some bastardised version of Fresh Prince and GOD WHY IS SHE WEARING A CAPE WITH A COOKIE ON IT?"

I glance over. "She is? Oh. So she is. How did she even get that - you know what, forget it, I'll just accept that. In any case, it's a really long story."

"Somehow, I can believe that. Hope you guys weren't worried about me, I didn't mean to be late."

Yuri raised an eyebrow. "Does anyone _ever_ intend to be late?"

"Hmm. It's more a turn of phrase, but I see your point. Although actually, I suppose there is such a thing as fashionably late."

"So what held you up anyway Monika?"

"Oh, well last period was study hall and to be honest I just lost track of the time, ahaha..."

Natsuki suddenly squinted, confused. "That makes no sense though. You would've at least heard the bell ring."

"Actually wait, that depends." I add. "Did you, after hearing the bell, take one more look and then develop total amnesia? I heard a song about that once."

"Ha ha Makoto, very funny, now's not the time."

"Amnesia's no joke Natsuki. Amnesia kills 69% of Americans every day."

"I- You know what, forget it. So are we going to read our poems or not?"

Monika, who had been looking progressively more and more uncomfortable about not being in charge of the conversation, looked up with glee. "Sure thing Natsuki! I've been looking forward to this!"

I decide to share poems with Sayori first. I notice that she is writing a cookie-themed prayer.

"Hey Sayori, can I see your poem?"

"Sure!" she shouted, at a sufficient volume to cause Yuri to wince a little. "I'd love to swap poems!"

To my surprise, on her sheet was a scroll wheel. Huh. Guess that wasn't just a UI thing for the player.

"Sayori, I get the sense you wrote your poem this morning. Poets rarely end their poems with "I want breakfast". Aside from Edgar Allan Poe, that is, who of course did so all the time."

"Ehehe, maybe a little bit I made it this morning. But hey, that's your fault for sleeping over! I had no time!"

Natsuki glanced over sharply, looking slightly hurt. "You slept over at her house?"

"You were eavesdropping?"

"... Fair point." she said, before returning her attention to Monika's poem.

"In any case, it's a nice poem! I liked it, it sounds just like you. Especially that last line."

"I made eggs and toast!"

"I know Sayori. I was there."

"Oh yeah… Why did I say that? Something feels off..."

"You've been praying to the cookie gods, you somehow brought a cookie-themed cape into existence -"

"Actually I had that on my person anyway."

"... As I was saying, with all that, _now_ is when you finally feel like something unusual is going on."

"Yep. Ehehe. Well, I'll be sure to make the best poem ever for tomorrow!"

"That seems hyperbolic."

" _You_ seem hippo ebola."

"That… Okay, I'll chat with you later then."

I then proceeded to show it to Monika, who seemed indifferent on it, Yuri, who liked it, and Natsuki, who decided to use it as a tissue. Which… for her may actually be a commendation.

"Okay then, seems we're all done with poetry! And Natsuki, for future reference, try not using all of our poems as tissues after reading them. I still hadn't shown mine to anyone else."

"I have a cold."

"One which mysterious vanishes when it stops being convenient."

Natsuki pursed her lips but decided against retort.

"In any case, I have something extra planned for today!"

I can sense Natsuki immediately grow wary. "Is this about the festival?"

"Well, sort of-"

"Urgh, do we have to? It's not like we can put anything decent together in just a few days. We'll just embarrass ourselves in front of the other students."

"That's a concern of mine as well, I don't do well with last minute preparations."

Natsuki looked at Yuri, surprised to find them sharing the same position. She looked a little bit like for the sake of contradicting Yuri she wanted to change her mind.

"Don't worry, we'll keep it simple. Nothing more than a few decorations. Sayori's done some work on posters, and I've got some pamphlets designed for the festival."

"Can we hire a clown?"

"No Makoto, we are not hiring a clown. What the hell does a clown have to do with literature?"

"Ask Stephen King."

"True. Okay, in any case, the plan is for us to perform our poems."

Yuri and Natsuki both look horrified.

"Shall we bring rotten tomatoes, or is it a "bring your own" deal?"

"Oh I wish I'd thought of that, that's clever..." Yuri mumbled.

"Yuri I swear to God why can't you be this likeable more often?"

"Well, there's a limited amount of time I can spend pandering to your ego."

"And there's the Yuri we all know and love."

"Urk… I-I didn't mean it that way."

"Look, I'm sorry, I should've run it by you first, I thought it was a good idea and forgot that you guys aren't used to public attention… I'm afraid we've already started hanging up posters advertising the opportunity to hear our poems or read their own poems if they so desire."

"Well, it's not a bad idea… Fine, I guess we'll do it."

"Natsuki you don't speak for both of us."

"Do you intend to not perform?"

"...W-Well no, but it's the spirit of the matter."

"Cookies." Sayori interjected.

"Okay let's move on then. Of course, in order to prepare to perform at the festival, we'll need to practice in front of each other first."

"Wait what" Natsuki and Yuri stammer out simultaneously.

"Well obviously if you can't perform in front of the club you've no chance of being able to do so in front of a number of strangers. It's good practice."

Yuri turns a shade of white that puts snow to shame. "Oh God..."

"Hey, if it's any comfort, I can go first. That way, any rotten tomatoes will be used up before you end up on stage."

"Yeah, but so will all the bouquets of roses for your performance."

"... Yuri, it's just the five of us. None of us actually have either rotten tomatoes or flowers on us. Well, Sayori probably has the latter but that's beside the point. It was an attempt at humour."

"Ah. Say, this club meeting feels like it's been taking a long time."

"Yeah, it's really pushing the word count up. We'll have to split this into two distinct segments, at this rate."

"Wait split what into two distinct se-"


	6. WebMD says I have the plague

Authors Note:  
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I blink, suddenly returning to the scene. I must've spaced out, and started dreaming about an advertisement for some d̷̛͙̀̓̍̈́̉̈͌̉͒͜e̵̦͗̿̏́̍̌͊̽͂͝ͅͅl̴̠̼̮̠̟̙̱͖̬͚̯͑̂́͌̎̋̾̅̈́̊͝i̶̡̜̩̫͓̺̜̤̥͚̇͐̓̂̉̉͗͜͝g̶͎͒̂͌͐̈́́̓͌̉̈́̀̃̎h̶̡̧̪̣̞̙̩̠͉͛̔́̏̌͘t̸͎͗̇̌͋̌̍͐̆͋̾̚͠f̴̧̯̩̳͉͕̰̞͓͉̉̎͑͆̈́͑̇͘̚̚͜͜͠ų̸̨̮͚̘͉̍l̴̨̢̹̰̹̖̝͐͆̿̒̓̈̽͋̓̀̎̇͌͝͝ͅ ̴̛̤͉̞̜̫͉̲͉̰̀̈́̓̂̚ṗ̴͖̞̫͍̊̉͗͒̈́̓̉̎͘͠ȑ̴̛͍̯͔̬̩͔̬̪̀͋͑͆́͛̍o̶̝̊͐̅͌̽͆͛͘͘̚d̵͇͎̜̀̀̽̈́̉̔͆̈́͌̅̂͗̓̚͝ų̵̞̝͎͍̮̱͍͈̤̞̭̈́͂̇̓͑́̀͘͜ͅc̶̢̝̹͙͔͓̗̤͙͘ͅt̵̛̬̭̹̳͙̞̙̑͋̇̊̎̏ ̶̜̪͚̼̝͙̟̥̪̗̠͙̭̔̆̌̍͐ţ̴̺̠̳͚̍͐̈́̅̓͠h̵̖̟̺͎͔̬̙̣̮̟̤̾̌͋̀a̵̫̘̠͔̽t̴͉̜͍̹̂͗̓̂̆̾͗̈́̕͝͠ ̵̧̡̢̯̱̹̠̝͇̦̋̈́̐̔͝y̵̢̧̧̥̯̥̘͖̣̗͔̦̅̽̀͒͜͝ͅͅò̴̰̮̟͇͖̭̲͖͕̱͖̆ͅu̶̩͋͛͊͘͝͝ ̶̜̹̬̼̐̓̑̃̂͛̒͋̈́͆͂̈́́̚͜͠s̷̨̢̤̱̮̪̞̳̺̤̅̏̓͘h̶̡̳̼͍̰͉͍̰̫͓̦͌̿̂̋́̊̀́̀̀̚o̵̢͔͓̥͎͉̺̻͕͊͛͊͑͌͜ư̴̝̌̀͌̉̄͛̊͆͂͆̏̅̚͠l̸̢̟̘̟̬̜̹̣̼͚̖͔̓̈́̽͒̃́́̋̑͒͝ͅd̵͔̺̠͚̰̳̦͍̠̙́͒̓́̋̔̐̿ ̸̙͖̟̊̽̈̾̔̓͒̑͗͝͝b̴̗̤̈́́̑̎̑̋̀͛̃͑͝͝ư̸̡̢̨̮͉̲͉͔̫̘̱͎̯̇̆̆̑̀̋̀̒́̒̈́̕͘ͅͅy̵̡̨̧͕̩̳͈̜̤͎͊͒̊̎

… Why did I think that? Eh, whatever.

Monika is up at the stage. Since her one and only poem was used by Natsuki as a tissue, she instead used a speech she'd written back in debate club.

Upon completion, she looked around.

"S-So? What do you think?"

"Monika, you were given the topic of tangerines and managed to write a speech about warcrimes committed by the Chinese government. Just.. Just how?"

"Tangerines are citrus fruit, so are mandarins, Chinese have Mandarin as a language, bam, linked."  
Natsuki exclaimed "Excuse me what the fuck?", while donning the pose of the associated Fallout meme.

"First off, how the hell are you bending your arms that way in real life? Secondly, you try making a speech about bloody _tangerines_. What kind of speech topic is that!?"

"Fair point. That has nothing to do with the topic, but it's a good speech and your inflection is incredible."

"Ahaha, you're too kind Natsuki!"

As the rest of us are busy affirming Natsuki's point, Yuri quietly walks to the podium.

"A-Ahem. Th-This is the… the… This poem is called 'Afterimage of a Crimson Eye'."

After stuttering out a few lines, she begins to get absorbed in the poem, and she becomes animated, expressive, and confident.

"Bravo Yuri, really came out of your shell there!" Monika exclaims.

"Wait what? O-Oh… I did it… I was unaware of that."

"... Alright then! That's kinda weird, but hey, worked for you."

"Thanks Monika… Well, whoever is next, I-I'm sorry but I'm afraid I need to use the restroom."

Sayori suddenly chimed in. "Don't worry Yuri, I can wait for you!"

A look of guilt crosses Yuri's face, and she mutters not to wait, as she leaves.

"Well that was weird! So in any case, time to read my poem, 'My Meadow'! Ehehe..."

* * *

"Each time that I look at my meadow, I see  
A happy realm, for Sayori.  
I frolic, happy as a flower,  
Delighting in its magical power.  
I very much enjoy my meadow  
Made of very radiant metal!"

* * *

"... Sayori what kind of meadow is made out of metal?"

"It's not a meadow, it's a meadow."

"Wh-What? You just said it's not a meadow and then immediately followed that by calling it a meadow!"

"What are you on about? It's my precious meadow. I won it in a competition!"

"... Are you talking about medals?"

"Yeah, meadows!"

"... Okay Sayori, don't use that poem, you can't pronounce the word medal, but aside from that, you did a great job! Your voice was beautiful for that piece! You brought out the best in it!"

"Ehehe, you're making me blush Makoto!"

Monika dragged me aside.

"Hey now, what with your sleepover and calling her voice beautiful, I just want to be sure we're on the same page here pal."

"Sorry what now?"

"Let me be more clear. It's a nice childhood friend ya got there… It'd be a shame if anything were to… _happen_ to her."

"Are you part of the Mafia?"

"Wha- No Makoto I mean you better damn well keep it in your pants or I'll be making a Sayori themed yo-yo, or a "Sa-yoyo-ri", as I prefer to call it."

"Oh. I see. I swear I've only innocent intentions."

"Makoto, this is rated T. Have you seen some of the stuff that gets away with a T rating? I saw one that made innuendos out of cupcakes. Oh and we shan't forget those dozen or so ones with explicit scenes, which seem to mostly centre around describing the texture of one of the doki's left nipple for 6 paragraphs. Who the hell thinks that's T content? I don't even know why you'd want something like that. Whatever the case, this one's been pretty tame thus far, mild sexual jokes at most, and I don't want you to ruin it."

"... Right then."

"So we're understood then? No putting any cinnamon buns in her oven, capiche?"

"I'm torn between deep, deep admiration of that pun, and mild disgust. Don't worry about it Monika, I won't do anything of the kind."

She made it sound a lot like she thinks we're in a fanfic. I… really hope she's wrong.

"Ahaha, that's the spirit! Well Natsuki, guess it's your turn!"

"I… I hab a cowd."

"... A cold that vanished until this precise moment."

"Yes."

"One that only now developed an impact on your speaking mannerisms."

"... Yes."

"What sort of cold would do that?"

"... I think itsh pwobabwy the Bubonic plague."

"A runny nose and poor throat are not consequences of the Bubonic Plague. Also I'm pretty sure I read that there's only something like half a dozen cases in the United States a year. I'm sure the numbers are even lower here."

"... Ebola?"

"... No Natsuki, you do not have Ebola."

"Polio?"

"Okay, you know what Natsuki, fine, I give up. I don't have much time to spend here, and I don't intend to waste it on this."

Sayori's head suddenly snapped up.

"Oh? Is there something you must be off to soon?"

"Well I have more piano lessons in 15 minutes, duties with the student board 10 minutes after that ends, and then two hours for studying."

Jesus. I don't study for tests, and I've never learnt an instrument, or tried to join a student leadership team. That schedule is insane.

"That is a bloody busy schedule Monika!"

"Eh, this actually isn't all that bad for me. I've been keeping up my workload like this since I was 8."

"Wait... Monika, how did you have time for all this while still having a childhood?"

"I uh… I didn't really do much for entertainment as a kid. I almost never watched TV, for example."

"Wow, that's… kinda sad. Do you remember anything you watched as a kid?"

"I think I recall one song… F is for Finding new ways to kill you, U is for Uranium poisoning, N is for Natsuki being fed to the dogs, now it's time to hang Sayori!"

Sayori, Natsuki, and Yuri are all staring at her. They're speechless.

"... I get the sense those aren't the proper lyrics."

"Geez, a Spongebob song didn't include psychopathic lines relating to two of your friends from real life? What deductive reasoning led you to that conclusion? You should work with ruddy Scotland Yard, they could use someone with your incredible logical thinking."

Natsuki finally came to her senses. "Monika, what the Hell was that?"

"Aurora Borealis-"

"No Monika there's no way you have time for memes on top of that schedule. Seriously, what the heck?"

"Ehehe… Maybe it was a fellatio slope?"

"Goddammit Sayori. Freudian slip. And who taught you that word… don't use it Sayori, it makes you sound less innocent and your innocence is heartwarming. Also Christ, did someone hit you in the head recently?"

"NOPE AHAHA NO ONE HAS CAUSED SAYORI TO BE STUPID RECENTLY CERTAINLY NOT NOPE. And no, it's not a Freudian slip Natsuki. That would indicate that I actually want to feed you to dogs and have Sayori hung drawn and quartered, which is not the case. I think I'm just tired and started saying garbage."

"... Alright, I guess. Buying that story beats believing one of my closest friends is a psychopath who would like to use me as dogfood."

"Well with that tangent out of the way… Can you guys quickly give me your contact details? Both phone numbers and… do you guys all have Discord?"

Natsuki, Yuri and I nod. Sayori cocked her head, confused.

"I have a discus. Is that the same thing?"

"No. Makoto can you quickly guide Sayori through the process, and let me know what their username is? The rest of you, put your accounts and phone numbers on this sheet here, I'll set up a server for us."

I'm about to leave Sayori, when Monika calls out.

"Actually hang on a moment there Makoto. Sayori, can you wait for a moment outside?"

Oh God what is it now...

"S-Sure! Be quick though you two, I need your help with that diss lord thing."

"Discord, and we'll be prompt!"

Sayori walks out of the door, and Monika turns to me.

"I've got a card trick to show you!"

"... I thought you were in a rush?"

"Oh, hush. Pick a card, any card."

I pull one out. 7 of diamonds.

"Alright, put it back into the deck anywhere you want."

After doing so, she shuffles them.

She cuts the deck in half, and takes the top card from the bottom half. Five of clubs.

"Is this your club?"

"No."

"I didn't ask if this is your card. I asked if this is your club."

Oh my God…

Did… Did I just get outpunned?

Five… Club… Oh God…

"Ah, seeing some gears turning up there! Thought you'd like that one, you're kind of a glutton for pun-ishment."

"I have never respected you more as a person than I do right now."

"Oho? Is that so? Well if you'd like to see an actual magic trick, I can pull a coin out from behind your ear without even getting near it!"

[Place Nickel . obj X:420 Y:69 Z:2318008]

"And like magic it's OH GOD I MISSED."

"What? Monika what happened to my vision?"

"There's a coin in one of your eyeballs… oh God, okay, we're taking you to the nurse."

"... Why am I not feeling pain?"

"Well, you see, the thing is, to minimize lag there's a twenty second delay between injuries and actually feeling pain. Speaking of which it should be twenty seconds any moment now-"

The next twenty minutes are a blank mess of crippling pain. I become aware of my surrounding again at the nurses' office, with Monika and Sayori waiting and the nurse looking bamboozled.

"Remarkable…" the nurse commented.

"What's remarkable?"

"Somehow, your eye has healed from this, and within just half an hour. This doesn't make any scientific sense whatsoever..."

A faint smile crossed Monika's lips.

"Well thank you nurse, but it seems some friends are waiting on me."

I get up and walk over just in time to get tackled in a bearhug by Sayori.

"MAKOTOTHANKGODYOU'REALRIGHTWHATHAPPENEDHOWDIDYOUGETACOININYOUREYEWASFOULPLAYINVOLVEDDIDMONIKADOTHISI'LLKILLHERFORREVENGEIFYOU'DLIKE-"

"Woah Sayori, slow down. And please don't add cracked ribs to my injuries list, I've been taking up a lot of this nurses time as is."

"Ehehe, sorry," Sayori said, loosening her grip just enough for me to be able to resume breathing, "I was just so worried about you! It's a monacle your eye is fine!"

"I think you mean miracle."

"Monacles are involved with eyes. I'm sticking with my guns here."

"... Fair enough I suppose. In any case, Monika, you'll be late for your piano lesson, so I'd best bid you adieu. Sayori, are you ready to go home?"

"Yep! I still need your help with biscuits though."

"Discord."

"Muskets."

"Discord."

"Koalas."

"Wait what that doesn't even share any sounds with the actual word… You know what, whatever, I'll help you out."

We walk home in silence. Sayori looks to be deep in thought… I wonder what has her so vexed?

"Hey, Makoto, how do the little people in my TV know what show I want to watch?"

… I forgot for a moment that Monika had dumbed her down. Her new "deep in thought" is like this.

"... Sayori, how do you think TV's work?"

"The TV is a big apartment complex for little tiny people."

"What, like Lilliputians?"

"Yeah, like lesbian guppies."

At that point, I figured I was losing at least 3 IQ points a sentence, so I decided to just nod curtly.

"H-Hey Makoto… I was just um… I was wondering if uh… Well... Let's say that one day, Yuri asked to walk home with you… Would you go with her?"

"First off, excellent awkward question. Secondly, no. I have no idea where her home is, and more importantly, then I wouldn't get to walk home with you."

"G-Get to?"

"Yeah? What about it?"

"... My head hurts… I feel jamais vous… That's when something you know well seems off."

"How do you know that but not that TV isn't made by little people?"

"I… This is wrong… Why do I feel like the lines we're saying are wrong..."

Sayori then glitched horribly, before everything returned to normal.

"Makoto, why are you looking at me like that?"

"Oh thank God you're alright. I spaced out and thought something bad had happened to you."

"Hmm… well that's odd. In any case, we're home, remember not to use your eyeball as a wallet, bye!"

That's… one way to end a conversation. Well now that I'm home I should check if Monika's set up the server, do my homework, and… _do I smell bacon?_

Okay, now my curiosity is piqued. I head into the kitchen and find…

Monika.

Wearing a "Kiss the Chef" apron.

And… not much else.

Oh God. She must think I've been flirting with her, when I'm just being a sarcastic prick. Well, if how she responds to rejection in the game is anything to go by, I'm sure this will end _really really_ well.

* * *

Authors Note:  
Ravioli, ravioli, do not lewd the Doki Doki.)


	7. A Woman Scorned

"H-Hey Monika! I… I wasn't expecting guests, I apologise for the mess. I won't bother asking how you got in -"

"RPG."

I peer around the corner and notice that the back door is a charred mess.

"With all your abilities to manipulate the universe, was that entirely necessary?"

"No, but it was very cathartic. You should try it sometime. Actually, now that I think about it, that could make the whole "I gently open the door" scene _way_ funnier."

"I don't really think the comedic value was what Salvato had in mind for the MC's childhood friend deciding to become a ceiling fan."

"Well, whatever he was aiming for, I sure am a _fan_ of the outcome!"

"... Monika, as a big fan of puns, even I expect better than that, okay?"

"Punderstood."

"... Okay then. Uh, Monika, I appreciate the visit, and I'm even more appreciative of the bacon - wait, aren't you vegetarian? Oh whatever, that's beside the point. Can I ask what is the cause for your being here? Follow up question, why did you decide to do so while practising for a career as a stripper?"

"I-It's hot. Plus I'm frying bacon, so the stove is also heating me up. Get your mind out of the gutter Makoto, this isn't for your benefit."

"I have air conditioning, I can turn that on if you'd like. Just please put on some more clothing, it's a little uncomfortable."

"... I've misread the situation haven't I."

"Oh yeah. Very much so. I've only been in the same _dimension_ as you for about 34 hours. I'd really like to get to know you a lot more before that sort of thing is even on the table."

"And that's not the only thing that'll be on the table, if you catch my drift."

"Stop please Monika no."

"I'm sorry, I try to diffuse awkward situations with comedy. Often crass comedy."

"I noticed. So uh Monika… You alright?"

"Sure, why?"

"Well, I believe I can see the 6th layer of Hell in your eyes right now."

"Oh, you worry too much Makoto! I can control my emotions."

"Also I just checked a phone alert from the New York Times that said the entirety of Switzerland randomly vanished from existence."

"... That wasn't me."

"Monika please that's genocide."

"What have the Swiss done for us lately?"

"8 million people Monika."

"Fine, party pooper. Nazi gold country gets to stay. You owe me for this one."

"Woah Monika, that's not okay, don't call Switzerland that. That's probably rather offensive to the Swiss."

"It's true though, they have separate balance sheets in many banks with and without Nazi gold factored in. And anyway, I've seen the story stats, no one from Switzerland appears to have read this, it's fine, no one reading will be offended."

"Monika please, this isn't a fanfic, it's real life."

"But Makoto… Is this real life? Or is this just fantasy? Caught in a landsli-"

"Look, I appreciate the reference, but seriously Monika, come back when you're fully clothed, this is really uncomfortable."

"Fine. Turn around."

I turn around and two seconds later she says I can turn around again.

"Wait, how did you change so quickly?"

"My physical depiction is a sprite. I changed which sprite is being used."

"... In that case, why did you make me turn around?"

"Privacy."

"But you weren't-"

"Privacy."

"I still don't follow but fine."

"Hey, seeing as we're both now in proper garb, want to go out? As in outside, not… you get it, you get it."

"Sure. Can I take the bacon with me?"

"What sort of despicable monster do you think I am Makoto? Of course you can take it with you!"

And so, grabbing a bag full of bacon, we head out.

* * *

"Hey Monika, where exactly are we going?"

"To the shopping district. The MacDonalds here has free refills, I figured we'd get some drinks there."

"McDonalds, and that sounds great!"

"What? It's MacDonalds. I mean, that's what they named the Ginormous Mac after."

"... Monika, what other major chain restaurants are there in town?"

"Pizza Hovel, Dominose, Whendy's, Burger Monarch, SubDoYouKnowTha..."

"I think for copyright reasons no real brands exist in your world. Those are all parodies of real brands."

"Not even Fish and Wedges?"

"There's not even a copyright on Fish and Chips, why is that… you know what, doesn't matter. None of those things exist in the real world, they're very blatant copies."

"Bastards. This is ruddy Orwellian."

"I think you may be overestimating how significant these name changes are."

"With totalitarian contempt for the lower classes, they manipulate even our beloved franchises through their nefarious and pervasive grip."

"They literally just made minor edits to the names."

"With control of the language, comes control of the people. As they covertly operate, those banal bourgeoisie cowards, to hide the truth from proletariats, to remove even the slightest hint of dignity."

"That sounds like Communist propaganda but okay. In any case, I'm not hungry, I'll pass on going to town."

"So if we're not going to town, and we're not going to town on each other either-"

"Goddammit Monika why are you like this."

Ignoring me, she continued. "... Then should we check out what one of the other club members are up to? Spying on people is fun!"

"True that. Can we spy on Natsuki?"

As I blink, I find myself halfway across town, on a landing halfway up an apartment complex. Presumably that's a yes then.

"Operation Child Support is operational. Over."

"We're talking in person. Why are you acting like we're talking over radio?"

No response.

"Really Monika?"

The sound of silence deafens me.

"... Over."

"See, now was that so hard? Over."

Sighing heavily, I turn my attention towards Natsuki. She seems to be eating something with more colours than I thought the visible light spectrum had, while watching Scooby Doo.

"Again? She really loves that show, she's been watching it every damn day. She gets really excited at the trap part. Over."

"First off, "trap part" is now my favourite palindrome, secondly, did you really have to make a trap joke? Over."

"I think it should be clear by this stage that the answer is yes. Over."

Suddenly she presses a finger to my lips and ducks down.

After about 20 seconds, she gestures to a ladder, leading to a landing a floor up from us.

"She'll have gone to her room. We're in pursuit. Over."

"Monika, how do you think the cops will respond to some random guy peering through a teenage girls windows? Over."

"They'll toss you in jail. That's why I didn't activate invisibility this time. I thought it'd be funny and exciting to organise a prison break. Over."

"... Is there anything we can do that would not be a federal crime? Over."

"I suppose we could spawn in some nukes and destroy the Japanese government so no one is around to arrest you. Over."

"You know when I said "not a federal crime" I did not mean I'd prefer it were a war crime. Over."

The window opens. "Monika, Makoto? What the hell are you guys doing outside my window?"

Shit. I guess having a loud conversation just outside her window must have alerted Natsuki to our presence. I don't know why I didn't expect that.

"An excellent question, and I'll answer that question with a question. If I have one smoke bomb, and want to get away without anyone knowing, how many smoke bombs will I have in five seconds?"

"Sorry what-"

~POOF~

"Well that was close! Let's check up on Yuri instead, she's always in the library until 1 AM anyway, so no chance of getting in trouble!"

We teleport once more.

"Wh-What? This isn't the library..."

Indeed, we appear to be in a decidedly more clandestine location. Smoke and blacks dominate it, and a number of rather muscular and inebriated men are sat at tables.

I finally hear Yuri's voice.

"If I'm not very much mistaken, the answer is 1836."

A disgruntled, slightly creepy bartender slammed the table out of frustration.

"Lady, for the last time, we aren't holding a pub quiz."

"Th-then why did you leave signs saying you wanted to do questionable things with some female students?"

"... Try repeating that to yourself. Go on. Think about the words you just said."

"...Oh. Oh no no no. I, well, would you look at the time, I'm afraid I must be off!"

"Hehehe, I'm afraid you ain't going anywhere, miss."

"Oh God… P-Please, my family has money, I can get you-"

"Oh, an aristocrat too! That will make this all the more fun!"

"That's not how the aristocracy works. You see, in order to be an aristocrat, one must be of noble descent. I am not of noble descent."

"And a grammar freak to boot! Even better!"

"Th-There's witnesses everywhere!"

"You really underestimate how drunk these chaps are. I don't think any of them is going to be able to come to your defence."

Monika suddenly stepped out.

"Actually Yuri, 1836 is incorrect. 1869 is the correct answer."

"What the… Who are you, and what question are you lunatics answering? I never asked a question!"

"Oh, but now you'll be asking questions. You will give us a delightful pub quiz, and the winner will take 1,000,000 yen from you."

"Oh yeah? And why would I do that?"

"I was really, really hoping you would say that. Allow me to demonstrate."

[ImportFilter: 8-bit Target: Bartender . asshole . chr]

"... What the Hell did you do to me?"

"I've got a lot more I can throw at you. I can change your species, gender, age, oh and I can have you ripped apart by dogs and then reformed over and over until the end of time. That too."

"... Fine, you can have your stupid pub quiz."

Monika reversed the retro filter, and joined Yuri.

"Sorry about that Yuri! Time for some quizzes!"

"Monika, I'm glad you came and got me out of that situation, but uh… What are you and Makoto doing here? And how did you do that to that man? I think you just violated multiple laws of physics and certainly many biological necessities."

"Well, you see, I have GPS trackers on all the club members just in case! It seemed weird to me that you were in this haven of horror, so I decided to check on you. And uh, that retro thing was… a science fair project."

"... You made a science project that, without any large apparatus, can in under a second convert any human individual into an amalgamation of squares yet somehow keep them alive?"

"Yes."

"This same project can apparently change their species, gender, or leave them eternally being ripped apart and reassembled by dogs?"

"... Yes."

"Monika there is not a chance in Hell that is the truth."

"Hey! I get pure A's in Science!"

"You get pure A's in every subject. You once threatened to bomb the White House when you only got a B+ in US history."

"People always get angry at bad grades."

"Monika, you actually got caught with a bomb at the White House the day afterwards."

"The UK got Guy Fawkes, the US gets me."

"I still don't know how you aren't in jail for that."

"I chickened out and told security instead of going through with it. They were glad to know about this security issue."

"Wh-What? That's really not how national security works… but you know what, this is irrelevant. The point is, you get top grades in a lot of things, but that does not mean you can just casually break the laws of physics."

"I got a natural d20 just stop questioning me."

"You know what fine I give up."

"Well, good luck with the pub quiz! Makoto and I will be off now!"

As we leave the bar, she glances at a watch.

"It's getting pretty late Makoto. I know you mocked the spoofs on restaurants that exist here, but which would you prefer, China-esque food or Tartarus' Pizza?"

"I save Arcadia Bay."

"That was neither of the options, and I'm pretty sure that's a reference to an event in which you kill a dearly beloved companion. If so please do not kill anyone in my literature club."

"Details, Monika, minor details. Also God I love these spoof names. Tartarus' Pizza sounds good."

After a quick five minute walk, we arrive… and notice Sayori is there.

"Wha? What are you two doing here? And uh, Natsuki sent me a message saying you were outside her window… any idea what that's about?"

"Nice to see you too Sayori. And with regards to that, I've been worried that she's been having illusions for a while. This is old noose to me, and there's no use getting hung up about it."

"Can you knot please Monika?"

"I don't get it!" Sayori exclaimed cheerfully. Well, that's… good?

"Hey Sayori, I think your pizza is ready."

"Oh, so they are!"

"They? Plural?" Monika mutters as she walks to the counter.

Sayori then returns with a stack of seven pizzas.

"Sayori, you either have the metabolism of a Greek god, you're throwing an enormous party, or you accidentally ordered too many pizzas."

"E-Eh? H-How rude! I never make fun of you for how many pizzas you guys get! I mean in fairness that is a very specific insult for me to make, and isn't applicable, but… you get the point. Although I suppose I could probably share some with you guys..."

Sayori places the pizza down, and asks us to be quiet.

* * *

 **Sayori's POV:**

Now, with my friends being quiet, I can concentrate.

I envision myself in the midst of an infinite expanse, the Universe at my fingertips. It is here that I can truly think rationally, and come to a logical conclusion.

The issue at hand is the duality between wanting to eat seven pizzas and wallow in my own filth, or offering two pizzas to them and having a nice time but being less full. Now then, based upon my knowledge of Euclidean geometry, and the heliocentric model of the solar system, I can decide whether or not to share this pizza.

After much ponderance, I have determined they can partake of my delicious pizza. And so, I leave my void of concentration.

"Hey guys, I've decided you can have some if you'd like! W-wait... where am I?"

Makoto seems to be gone, but Monika's still there. "Sayori, it took you 37 minutes to decide whether or not to share pizza. You were just murmuring words you thought sounded impressive in a catatonic state. We took you home."

"... Oh."

I've been feeling really stupid the last week or so, but this really makes that clear… What's wrong with me? That definitely shouldn't have taken 37 minutes… maybe I should see a psychologist, or ask Monika for help…

"We kept the pizzas warm for you. Now that you've rejoined us in the land of the living, how about we have some?"

"Oh, uh, sure! But Monika… I kind of need your help. I feel like I've been engaging in a lot of isosceles lately."

"... What?"

"You know, I've been kind of an idiot lately."

"Were you going for idiocy instead of isosceles there?"

"Yes, and the fact that I said something else instead is a demonstration of my problem. Look, Monika, I'm not gonna lie… I'm really scared that something is wrong. I've never been a genius, but now life has gone all "Flowers for Algeria" on me."

"Algernon."

"SEE! This is exactly the problem! I can't even communicate my problem without making a fool of myself!"

Monika looks down… an almost guilty expression on her face. Why would she feel guilty about this?

"... I'll see if I can help you later. It's really the least I can do after everything you've done for me. But right now, we should join Makoto for pizza."

* * *

 **M** **akoto's POV**

Man, if you'd told me a week ago I would be sharing pizza with Sayori and Monika, I'd have hallucinated you were a doughnut.

I was starving to death after all.

But after that, I'd tell you you were mad. And then I'd try to eat your sprinkles. Come to think of it, stuff like that happening to me in the week or so leading up to my death should really have been a warning sign. I'm going on a lot of tangents here, the point is, I could never have imagined such a surreal thing would be happening to me.

"Hey Makoto, Sayori's no longer comatose!"

"Excellent! Let us dine then!"

I turn on the light to the dining room. On the table is a fancy tablecloth, and an absurdly high number of candelabras. I've set up speakers to play violin music.

"What on Earth… Makoto? We're eating pizza. I can't begin to express how overkill this is."

"You left me to sit here for thirty minutes. I got bored, and the idea of setting this up amused me slightly."

"... Fair enough I suppose. At least Sayori seems to like it."

"This is so fancy Makoto! Give me a moment, I'm going to grab some champagne and a nice dress for me and a tuxedo for you and I can light the candles and we can look into each others' eyes dreamily and later we can kiss under the moonlight and why am I still saying this aloud and-"

"Sayori, calm down, it's just pizza."

It was too late. Sayori had already begun to run around, grabbing items. Meanwhile, Monika was seething quietly at some of the later elements of Sayori's list.

"Look, Makoto, I get that we're not in any form of relationship, but for the love of God can you stop Sayori? The last time I was this angry, the global population fell by 6%."

"Wait you're madder now than when you deleted Sweden?"

"Well yeah. Isn't genocide the normal response to mild irritation?"

"... How do you not know the answer to that question is OBVIOUSLY NO."

"... On a completely unrelated note, please don't check the news for a few hours."

"GOD MONIKA THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE DOESN'T EXIST ANYMORE!"

"And you ignored my polite request to not check the news for a few hours. Now we're both in the wrong."

"Monika, I don't think you understand relative degree of harm."

"Oh please. If you like the Southern Hemisphere so much, why don't you just marry it?"

"Well, for one thing, it no longer exists."

"Ouch… okay, that one stings. You got me there."

"Secondly, I lived in the Southern Hemisphere until this weird DDLC stuff started on Monday."

"Oh? You did?"

"Yeah, New Zealand."

"They have living creatures other than sheep there now?"

"Goddammit Monika, please stop."

"I'm looking online right now, and apparently their parliament is called the Beehive. Is it actually a literal beehive, with a queen bee commanding your government? I'm not sure how technologically primitive you chaps are."

"Fuck you."

"I take it that's a no then. Follow up question-"

"No, the Cake Tin is not an actual cake tin. It's the name for a stadium."

"Aww, I was picturing a gigantic cake."

"You know, honestly, I would prefer that to a field where people throw a ball around for an hour and a half."

"Would be a bit of a public health and safety concern though."

"Don't ruin my dreams, Monika."

"Fine… And you can have your stupid Southern Hemisphere back."

"You tried to commit genocide twice in one day. Please promise me you won't do that in future."

"Scouts honour!"

"Were you ever in Scouts?"

"... Scouts honour!"

Sighing, I finally go to stop Sayori tearing the house apart looking for fancy garb.

We eat pizza, marvelling at Sayori's seemingly endless appetite, and call it a night.

I lay in bed, trying to fall asleep. I almost manage it, but then I hear Natsuki's voice from across town, as she screamed something about "harnessing the power of the fucking sun to make cookies".

I was so sure Monika would become vindictive and hateful when I rejected her… but it seems all is right. I've got a lot on my mind, but eventually, the sandman comes for me.*

*The sandman is actually just a random creep who knocked Makoto unconscious using a crowbar, and who then chucked sand at him. While not actually a euphemism for going to sleep, it does have the same end effect I suppose. Except with more bruising.

* * *

Authors Note:

Well, I'm really happy to end this chapter on a positive note!

For once, no cliffhangers!

To leave you on a cliffhanger now would be really inconsiderate, seeing as exams will leave me really really busy until November 23rd! So thank goodness we ended it there, with nothi-

* * *

 **Sayori's POV**

"Hey Monika… You were saying you could help me with my invitational dishwashability?"

"Intellectual disability. And look, Sayori, as your friend, do you mind if I'm frank with you?"

"Alright, Frank."

"N-No, don't call me Frank, let me rephrase that. Do you mind if I speak bluntly?"

"Oh… sure!"

"I know you value your friendship with Makoto very highly, yes? You'd like to have a caring relationship of mutual respect, surely!"

"Y-Yeah, that sounds right!"

"Now Sayori, you asked me to administer a test on you, and right now your brain is at the expected developmental level of an eight-year-old. I don't know what could have caused you to so suddenly go from average intellect to this, but honestly, it's hard to respect someone when they constantly make a fool of themselves. You're used to being smarter than you now are, and so you stumble over things too clever for you now."

"I… I don't understand..."

"Look, all I'm saying is, maybe staying away from Makoto until you're back to normal is a good idea. I'd hate to see him lose respect for you."

"Monika, I may not be a smart man, but I know what love is."

"... That's almost actually relevant. So then what is love?"

"Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more!"

"Okay good for a second I thought you were seeing through my facade. Now then, Sayori, in all seriousness, maybe limit your contact with Makoto until whatever afflicts you is gone."

"But… But Monika, you know how much I care about him… and what if this doesn't go away?"

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, Sayori. For now, keep him from seeing you while you're vulnerable."

"M-Monika, you know how I mentioned those rainclouds that one time?"

"How could I forget?"

"They were pretty strong before this… but at least then, I knew logically that I wasn't that bad. That even if I felt like a burden, I could still provide for people. But now? Now I actually _am_ a burden on society. If I'm stuck like this, there's no way I can get a decent job, so I'll just be a burden for Japan, a money hole they can never fill. And Makoto won't give me a second glance. He wants to be able to hold intelligent conversations with his future wife… And the idea that I can't provide him that is crushing. My hopes for a family and a career are crumbling. Monika, he's my greatest support net. I don't know if I can take separation from him. I'm in a really dark place right now, and you're asking me to toss away my lantern."

Monika blinked, seemingly shocked. D-Did that actually sound smart to her too? Did I actually say something deep and thoughtful?

However, she quickly loses this expression.

"Sayori, sweetie, would I tell you to do something against your best interests? I'm not telling you to throw away your lantern, I'm telling you to save the power of that lantern, instead of using it all now and finding yourself completely without light soon enough."

"... Monika, you've been my closest friend and confederate-"

"Confidante."

"... Yes, you've been my closest friend and confidante for years. If you really think this is in my best interests… I'll think about it. I trust you Monika."

Monika pulls me into a hug, and I head home. Behind me, Monika has a tormented look on her face, and a tear trickling out her eye… But since I don't have eyes in the back of my head, this goes unnoticed.

* * *

print(Countdown_formatted)  
126 h 43 m 28 s remaining.


	8. Spooki Spooki Literature Club

Authors Note:  
First off.  
Dragonfruit Chan.  
You made me go and relearn small chunks of Python to see if I was right or not.  
I am now 60% sure that what I did was sort of mostly correct. I see what you think I did wrong, but I maybe might be correct perhaps.

That's good enough for me.

In any case, we all know what day it is… it is, in fact, the one, the only… day 55 days prior to Christmas! Oh and also Halloween. Unless you're reading this back afterwards. In which case, this is a Halloween special.

* * *

 _Previously, on Hell oWorld;_

 _Natsuki got pregnant._

"Yeah, I'm capable of being pregnant, so can you please stop being asses just because I don't have a terribly feminine build? I swear to God if any of you bastards makes jokes about my gender again I'm going to commit arson."

 _On a related note, she then committed arson twenty seconds later._

 _Meanwhile, Sayori bought Hawaii._  
"I rule my 1.4 million or so people with an iron fist. I broke the Geneva Conventions yesterday! Ehehehe!"

 _Yuri became a neurosurgeon.  
_ "It's about brains and stabbing things. What's not to like?"

 _Monika started a drug cartel.  
_ "I just deleted every other drug producer. Accidentally, including the ones making some legitimate pharmaceutical products. I now own health. I also own the illicit drug industry, which I use to worsen public health. My net worth is higher than your country's GDP."

 _And Dadsuki bought a whip.  
_ "I-I'm a big Indiana Jones fan. Don't give me that look."

 _And now, back to Hell oWorld._

* * *

I wake up, and notice a notification on my phone. A Discord DM from someone called "My Name Is Inigo Monika".

"Don't ask why I'm sending this message at 4 AM. I lead a very healthy life. In any case, I set up a Discord server! Pass the invite link to Sayori, please."  
And then a second message. " discord . gg / 67rEnRJ ".  
Oh yeah… what with Monika breaking into my house, I'd forgotten that she'd asked for our account names so she could set up a server.

I send Sayori the link, and then join.

In addition to My Name Is Inigo Monika, Natspooky and Boori are in the server. Ah, Halloween, got it.

* * *

N: Monika, please, change your username to Demonika. Just for today.

M: Natsuki, I'm sorry, but I don't intend to change my username for a silly holiday.

N: DID YOU JUST INSULT HALLOWEEN? I HAVE KILLED FOR SLIGHTER TRANSGRESSIONS.

 _Makyoto joined. You must construct additional pylons._

N: Hey Makoto! Can you try convincing Monika to change her name? And for that matter, change your name to Makototally Terrified?

MC: Don't drag me into this. Although sure, I'll change my name, if only to avoid you pestering me on the matter.

Y: The hint of blood in the air titillates and enthralls me, on this sacred, hallowed night.

MC: Uh… you alright?

M: Don't worry, she gets quite… excitable, shall we say, when Halloween comes around.

Y: Last year I carved everyone pumpkins!

N: Yeah, that was nice, really well done, you have a real talent with the carving knife. Although I didn't really need 13.

Y: "I am not one for half measures or half-hearted efforts.". Jay Inslee.

M: Who the hell is Jay Inslee?

N: "I'm not a businessman, I'm a business, man.". Jay-Z.

Y: You both disappoint me immensely.

Buffy The Vampire Slayori joined. Hide your bananas!

S: TRICK OR TREAT!

M: No, no that's not how trick or treating works.

S: Give me candy or I'll burn your house down.

MC: Jesus, is this normal for you chaps on Discord? Or are you guys just really really intense about the whole Halloween thing?

M: Yes.

MC: God dammit Monika.

S: Oh, by the way, Makoto, I can see you!

* * *

I glance out the window, expecting to see her at her window waving. Nope…

"BOO!" she yelled, bursting through my door.

"GOD SAYORI WHY. Oh God, that, that gave me bloody heart palpitations!"

"When you say 'bloody', do you mean literally? You should talk to a doctor if you have internet seedling."

"Internal bleeding."

"Yeah, that."

"No Sayori, I'm not literally bleeding, but God that frightened me. How did you even get in here?"

"Back door. Oh yeah, about that, I was meaning to ask you why that door is missing and the doorframe is charred."

"Long story."

"Oh, I love a good story! We can have storytime, just like back when we were little!"

Twenty minutes later, I've concocted some excuse for how the door was missing without making Monika look like a psycho.

"You're good at telling stories MC! Oh, we should get ready for school!"

We head downstairs, and I immediately notice something.

"Uh, Sayori… where's my TV?"

"Oh yeah, you got robbed! Forgot to mention that!"

"How did you forget to mention that?!"

"Oopsy."

"... Let's just go to school."

Today was Wednesday, but the normal script was completely absent. Nothing about MC being a bit worried as to Sayori, no fighting over who I would work with over the weekend (They decided Yuri needed my help most over Discord, much to Natsuki's disappointment.), and the entire day blurred into one mess of Halloween themed jokes.

"Hey, hey Makoto, wakey wakey."

"Bleh the I was uh, I um, I wasn't awaken't Monika."

"Well said. Now come on, you just skipped past the entire day for the sake of plot progression, the least you can do is be here for the last ten minutes of the club meeting."

"Five more minutes mum..."

"Makoto, first off, this is a dating sim, don't call me mum, I don't want my Universe to become a retelling of the tale of Oedipus. Secondly, Yuri is arguing that stabbing is sex."

"Alright, you have my attention. She's arguing _what_ now?"

I turn to see a deeply confused and disgruntled Natsuki and Yuri in deep discussion.

"Natsuki, it's an act of penetration that aims to change the number of living humans. Bodily fluids are involved, and you can get infections from it. Tell me, in what way _isn't_ stabbing sex?"

"... Every way?"

"Aside from that."

"Well, aside from everything, there's nothing wrong with your theory. Congratulations Yuri, with that minor caveat you've really proven it."

"Thank you."

Sayori, who was clearly very uncomfortable with the conversation, pounced on this opportunity to end it.

"Well with that out of the way, how about we go trick or treating together?"

"It's the one day of the year when it's acceptable to wave knives at children. Pass."

"Dad doesn't take kindly to charity."

"First off, what the Hell Yuri, also Natsuki don't worry I talked to your dad about it and he's fine with it."

"Oh, well in that case, sure! Monika, Makoto?"

"Isn't trick or treating a little childish?"

"I agree. Also, I got robbed, so I don't exactly have much to make a costume with."

"No, sillies! You're never too old for candy! I mean they sure as hell aren't targeting those weird sexy Halloween outfits at kids, so surely some people our age and up are buying."

"... That's a better point than I wanted it to be."

"Oh and Makoto, I can buy you an outfit! I don't want you to miss an experience like Halloween because a woodpecker really liked your door!"

Monika glared at me. "A woodpecker man? Count yourself lucky Sayori bought it.", she whispered.

"So will you guys come?"

I sigh. "When you say it like that, how can I say no? Like literally, how can I say no, I want to do that."

"I guess I'll go too then..."

"Excellent! Makoto, come with me, let's find a Halloween outfit!"

* * *

 _Twenty minutes later.  
_

* * *

"Come on man, it's my money, please put it on."

"Sayori for the twenty fourth time-"

"No need for counting among friends!"

"As I was saying, for the twenty fourth time, I'm not going to crossdress for Halloween. And were I to, I certainly wouldn't crossdress as Princess Peach."

"Just be glad I didn't pick out a Bowsette costume."

"Oh God, does that exist?"

"I don't know. But probably, and that that is a believable statement says a lot about humanity."

"... True. But I'm still not wearing it."

"Party pooper. Fine, conform to gender roles then. Sexist pig."

"That's not what this is about."

"Oh, sorry, I forgot that you didn't like to hear women disagreeing with you, especially this far away from the kitchen."

"Sayori please you know damn well that's not why I don't want to dress up as a girl."

"Certainly, master, would you like me to fetch your slippers and newspaper? Maybe I can read the newspaper with you, you can help me with the big words. Your own little 50s paradise."

"... Will you stop this if I wear your stupid costume?"

"Yes."

"Fine then, just please stop making me look like I'm anti-women. We're in public, you know."

"HEY FINE SHOPPERS! I'D LIKE TO STATE THAT THIS MAN RIGHT HERE DOES NOT IN FACT HATE WOMEN! NOSIREE, WERE I TO DESCRIBE HIM IN ONE SENTENCE IT WOULD BE 'DEFINITELY NOT A SEXIST'! LEAST SEXIST GUY I KNOW! REALLY ADVOCATES FOR GENDER EQUALITY, 100%! TOTALLY!"

She then turns around to me.

"That better?"

"... I'm just going to change now."

Once I'm finally in this thing, I leave… to find a note.

* * *

Deer Makoto.

I no yu arent a fan of the costum, sew I lepht. Yu onle hav enuf muney 4 this 1. Meat up Yuri's.

Luv, Sayori.

* * *

...Well.

Fuck. It turns out she's right… somehow nothing in this store is cheaper than the Peach outfit.

Well, guess I should go to Yuri's house then.

… Wait… where is Yuri's house?

* * *

 _Fifty very long minutes of navigating over Discord and tripping over on Peach's petticoat later._

* * *

Whatever Monika endures in Hell, it cannot be more of an atrocity than this horrible, evil, vile and disgusting experience, a practice even masochists would like to avoid…

Oh I'm here. Thank God, this time has made me reconsider whether or not I should kill Sayori. How on Earth do women deal with dresses, this thing is so cumbersome…

Yuri's door is unlocked, so I walk on in. I stand around, taking in the view. It's classy, an amalgamation of replicas of famous art, fine furniture, and pot plants. A staircase leads off upstairs, and I can hear some noise up there. Maybe Yuri is up there? I'll go check.

As I approach, the noise becomes clearer. Sounds like Ed Sheeran's"Shape of You". Except… something is off about it.

I reach the door, and listen in. It seems Yuri is singing… but the lyrics are wrong…

"... And I'd love a slice or two,  
Go Merchant of Venice style on you.  
And your kidneys, no one really needs two.  
Yeah I'm in love with your body.  
Putting your hair right through my loom  
Lovin' you through morgue and tomb  
I'm sure you'll make for a lovely stew.  
Yeah I'm in love with your body"

… Well then.

Yuri suddenly became aware of my presence.

"Uhhhh Makoto? Um, ah, eh, h-hi! That w-was, urgggh, that was… practice! I figured it would be a clever bit of dark humour for trick or treating!"

"... Okay then Yuri, I want to believe that so let's move on. But uh… Can I ask what exactly it is you're wearing?"

"Why isn't it obvious? I crafted TX-02 out of polystyrene! Look, I'm a gerrymandered district! I'm a threat to democracy! Isn't that _spoooooooky_?"

"Not… exactly what most people go with."

"Look, it's just about impossible to find Halloween costumes in my proportions that don't look like BDSM. At least this one doesn't try to play a game of limbo with the neckline."

"You know what, fair enough. So where are Monika, Sayori, and Natsuki?"

"Monika said she had something important to discuss with them, but they should be here any minute. Oh, and if you don't mind, to quote a wise crossdresser, "what exactly is it you're wearing?". I-I'm sorry, that probably came off weird, b-but I would like to know why you're here and if perchance anyone is examining local castles and not finding their princess there."

"Sayori."

"Ah, that would explain it. Oh, I think I can see them from here! If you want to get revenge on Sayori, please keep the blood out of the carpet."

Monika walks in first. She's dressed in a toga, and has a bow and arrow. She's followed by Natsuki, dressed up as some character who is probably from an idol anime. Finally, Sayori nervously comes in, dressed as a cowgirl, dragging Mr Cow behind her with a lasso.

"Hey there, nice costumes my fellow lit individuals."

"Never say that again."

"What's that Natsuki? Do I hear, 'use that as often as possible'? Alright, if you insist… In any case, nice outfits, seriously. I'm going to guess you're a daughter of Artemis, Monika?"

"Yes, nice guess! Can't believe Sayori actually has you dressed up as Princess Peach."

"Honestly, neither can I. So, time to trick or treat?"

"Not just yet. How about we tell spooky stories first?"

Yuri jumped up in excitement, pulled out some candles, lit them, and turned off the real ones.

"I'll take that as a yes then. Yuri, you want to go first?"

"Gather one and all, for today I share with you a tale of great horror and woe.  
A tale of misfortune and extortion, of disease and deceased, a societal low.  
Where our leaders place reprehensible over representational.  
And created a monstrosity which-"

"Yeah no Yuri we don't have time for this."

"I… I have twenty-eight more lines. It all rhymes, and details our modern overt reliance on greedy consumption to maintain our economy with callous disregard for the ecosystem and worker rights."

"Okay not really how horror stories work Yuri, but I'm sure it's good, we just can't rack up that kind of word count. Look, let me tell one. You're dressed up as gerrymandering, so you should like this."

"As someone who thought that corporate greed was a good theme for a Halloween story, I find it very hard to believe you have one about US electoral scenarios."

"I have been granted the mystical power to predict the future… And I can prove it, with the upcoming midterms. The Democrats will win Nevada, lose North Dakota, and come within 3 points but lose in Texas. Oh, and, surprisingly, they'll lose Indiana. They'll end up winning the House and losing the Senate."

We stare at her for a moment.

"... Spoooooooooky…"

Yuri gazed in confusion at her. "Monika we don't know those for several days, for all we know all those predictions are false. This isn't very spooky."

"Yeah actually, how do you know that?"

"Well Makoto, it's very simple. I don't know, these are just educated guesses, but once the midterms actually happen, I can just edit the chapter to make all these guesses correct. Actually, I think I already did..."

"Okay, that's cupid, Monika."

"Stupid."

"Exactly. Now you chaps need to learn how to really become spooktacular. I'll lead the way."

"Sayori, your lexicon isn't what it used to be, are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Yep! Now, a retelling of the classic tale of Dr Frankincense."

"Oh boy."

"A mad silentish once Doug up cadlivers to get organise, with witch he sewed toga fur a monster. Frankincense Monster! He was discussing, so discussing that afraid of his own creationism, he flood. Later, Frankincense kilt the silentish's brother!"

"Thirteen errors Sayori. That's impressively bad. In any case, now I think it's time to go trick or treating."

Natsuki glanced sharply towards Monika. "Woah woah, you guys all get to say your rubbish creepy tales and I get nothing? No fair!"

"Having seen how well the other stories went, do you really want to have _another_ story?"

"Fair point. Let's get some candy fellas!"

We walk outside, and waiting there is… a horse.

"What the heck?"

"Daughters of Artemis rode on horseback Makoto. I value realism."

"CAN I RIDE HIM CAN I RIDE HIM PLEASE MONIKA?" Sayori yelled.

"First, I'm pretty sure this horse is female. Don't really want to check, but I think so. Also maybe later. Now though, onwards! For candy!"

We pillaged the town. Mostly for candy. On one or two occasions we did commit arson and steal jewellery. But mostly candy.

"So wait, Yuri, why would ghosts leave ectoplasm on specifically pens?"

"I don't know Sayori, but if any of you guys find you have sticky pens, that'll be why."

"Huh. Interesting. In any case, it's been a lovely day, but now I'm going to try to contract diabetes off our candy. See you tomorrow!"

* * *

Authors Note:

I gave myself one day to write this.

Deadlines are the worst.


	9. Bulli Protection Squad

Authors Note:  
Sorry for the month and a half long gap. It's now the holidays, so hopefully I can avoid such long gaps in content. My next chapter will probably be a Christmas special, which will make absolutely no sense chronologically since Halloween was on Wednesday but... Christmas. In any case, thank you for your patience.

* * *

 **MC's perspective.**

"HEY SAYORI!? Monika and I are here, so please, don't shoot!"

"Don't shoot?"

"Long story, but suffice to say I am not operating off my original liver. I try to be careful around her house now."

We head upstairs, and move into Sayori's room. We spot her amidst a mountain of candy wrappers, clearly delirious.

"Blar san enslave the donuts hehe"

"Jesus Christ, how much sugar did Sayori eat last night?"

"Actually this is pretty normal for her the day after Halloween."

"Her irises are in the shape of Nyan cat!"

"Yeah, and last year she slit open some arteries after horribly misinterpreting the rules at an art competition. You get used to this sort of stuff really quickly man. Don't let her near this much sugar, she goes mad."

"What the hell is going on in that noggin of hers?"

* * *

 **Sayori's Perspective**

I find myself surrounded by an odd amalgamation of colourful candies, and a military strategy room.

"Mr Gummy Bear, they leave us no choice. Launch the (Hershey's) Kiss-iles."

Assorted candies look back at me in horror.

"S-Sayori, you know what happened last time we-"

"Do you think I'd ask you to do this if we had any other choice? Well, I'm sorry to inform you that life ain't all sunshine and rainbows around here."

"This is a world literally made out of candy. Our weather service just spends the entire time cheering. There hasn't been anything other than that for seventy years."

"It's an expression, okay? Geez. They may take our lives, but they will never take our freedom! Put in the codes."

A gingerbread man grabs me and holds me tight.

"P-Please Sayori… I've only known you for a few days, but those days have been a magical time of happiness and love. I've never felt this way about someone before… I can't lose you, not now! We can always escape to the Sahara Dessert!"

"Occupied by the peppermint troops."

"Uh, well, what about Moro-cco?"

"Terrible pun, and no, that was caramelised a long time ago."

"Th-There's always-"

"Stop it man! Please… I've tried."

Tears start to fall down my face. The gingerbread man likewise loses composure, and starts bawling into my shoulder.

"I'w nevew fowget you!"

"You're a good man, Gingey."

"... I shtiw don't wike that pet name."

"I'm sacrificing my life, so I think I can call you Gingey, Gingey."

"That'sh faiw, I shuppose."

And so, as my life came to a close, I reminisce over the wonderful times we've had, the wonderful sugar highs, and the… I forget the other bit.

"Look after our little Timmy for me..."

"Wait what?", a gumdrop exclaimed. "You already have kids? You've only known each other for a couple days! That's definitely not how reproduction works."

"Okay, I really don't want to spend the last few moments of my life discussing how human-biscuit mating works, but the term "put a bun in the oven" is pretty literal in timing terms for that sort of relationship."

"This got weird. A random candy themed tangent should not go like this. This should've been cute and silly, but instead this is weird and kind of disturbing."

"Yeah. Yeah it is weird and kind of disturbing. Thanks for reminding me of that on my deathbed, when I just wanted to be with my loved ones, you piece of shit-"

[BOOM]

* * *

 **MC's Perspective**

Suddenly, Sayori sat upright.

"GINGEY!"

"... What?"

"Gingey, Gingey, oh how I miss you Gingey. And Timmy! Oh God it hurts! Actually wait that might be my intestines because of the candy. No… No that's heartache. Heartache in the stomach region."

"Sayori, ground control to Major Tom? You in there space cadet?"

"Hold on Timmy, we can be a family again, but to do so mummy's gonna have to have sex with a biscuit."

Monika apparently decides that even by sugar high Sayori standards a line has finally been crossed, and teleports us back to the school.

"So uh… Monika, was that beyond the line for normal sugar high Sayori?"

"I want to bleach my brain. She was this crazy, usually, but that's just… ew. She doesn't bring up sex usually. Let alone sex with a biscuit. I can only assume you're being a bad influence for her."

"Sorry, are you accusing me of encouraging her to have sex with a biscuit?"

"Yes, yes I am. In any case, we still need to bring Sayori to school."

"... No."

"Yes, I'm glad you know."

"The one without the 'k' or 'w'."

"... Gnome?"

"As in the opposite of yes. Why the hell would I help you after you accuse me of something like that?"

"There's a word that's the opposite of yes? What for?"

Monika seems… genuinely confused. Has she actually somehow not encountered the word "no" before?

Oh… Oh of course. Sentient beings capable of disobeying her will… didn't exist until I showed up.

"Okay, I'm going to have to talk to you about the importance of that word, literally not knowing the meaning of the word no sounds really suspect. That sounds kinda rapey."

"I mean I did destroy the universe and trap you in a classroom in a void for all eternity multiple times. My sounding "kinda rapey" is really pretty much a foregone conclusion."

"Well that's... a sad perspective to have."

"But not an unfair one. In any case, I guess I'll… see if I can drag Sayori to school by myself. Dear God, please tell me she hasn't found the Arnotts yet..."

"... Fine, I'll help you. But only for Sayori's sake."

"Nice tsundere act. Really channelling Natsuki there with your supposed indifference for my happiness. But you forgot to call me a baka. So points will be deducted. All in all, 7.8/10, too much water."

"God, how do I already regret this so much?"

"Ah, you big ol' flirt."

"I am not, nor have I ever been, attempting to flirt with you."

"Yeah, the thing is, males didn't actually exist until you showed up this Monday. So far as I'm concerned, anything you do is flirting."

"That seems sexist."

"Oh no, it's fine. As I said earlier, I was in a relationship for three months with Yuri because I changed Sayori's favourite food."

"I still don't see the link there. How does that fix anything for the script?"

"You and me both brother. Anyway, the point is, I _also_ view everything women do as flirting. Since I want to engage in relationships with both genders, I choose to basically view everything anyone does as flirting. So there's no double standard here, hence, not sexist."

"Uh..."

" _Equality_ , Makoto!"

"This does not help my perception that you're being kind of rapey."

"... _Equality_!"

"Monika no this is not better. This just means instead of acting really inappropriately towards one half of the population, you're acting really inappropriately towards both halves."

"EQUALITY BITCH!"

"Yeah, okay, I definitely can't leave you alone with sugar high Sayori. There is at least a 30% chance you would take advantage of her."

"I can't believe you think so little of me! You think there's a 70% chance I'd fail to make the most of the situation?"

I really don't know how to respond to that, so I just sigh and go back into Sayori's room. She seems to have passed out.

"Well I guess that kind of makes things easier. Monika, can you code in a stretcher for us?"

"Sure!"

Suddenly a large wooden slab with chains and a wheel on it pops in.

"Who you wanna torture?"

"Wh-What?"

"Well, this is a rack. A piece of medieval torturing equipment designed to stretch people. Hence, a stretcher!"

"Monika, now is not the time for puns, please just summon in an actual stretcher."

"Gosh, even you're not in the mood for puns? I guess I should be taking this seriously after all. Very well."

We place the (surprisingly heavy) Sayori on the stretcher, and start the laborious process of taking it to school.

"Oh, and since we won't want to be late, we'd best set time back. For the rest of the universe, that is. Don't want Sayori to go back to how she was earlier, and we need to keep our time processes constant in order to actually carry Sayori."

* * *

For this reason, I went down Dōro Street about 20 minutes earlier than I usually would.

Which just so happens to be pretty much exactly when Natsuki walks down that street.

And also just about exactly when the people who I recall bullied Natsuki on Tuesday, Itsuo and Nakiro, walk down that street.

* * *

"Hey Natsuki, such a pity you couldn't get your little boyfriend to join you today."

Itsuo chuckled. "Now now Nakiro, let's be fair here. 'Little boyfriend' is inaccurate. He sure as hell ain't the little one."

"Heh, got me there I suppose. But c'mon little girl, tell us; why couldn't the swoonin' buffoon be here for you?"

As tears started to well in her eyes, Natsuki stuttered out "W-We're just friends..."

Nakiro quickly butted in; "With benefits, yes, we're aware. Or actually is that the problem? Maybe you just weren't good enough? Perhaps he decided you weren't worth his time. I mean, I can hardly blame him if so, his chest is probably bigger than yours. Or, is it not functional down there? Not the real deal? I heard whatsername, the popular one with green eyes… I heard her make a trap joke about you at some stage. Is that it?"

"N-No! And Monika would never make a joke like that, she's not a regressive asswipe like you are."

Monika, who like me is watching this unfold with rising fury, looks down in shame upon hearing this.

"You sure feel passionately about Monika. You two should get a room, honestly. Perhaps unlike lover boy she'll be fine with whatever mutilation has gone on down there. She's always been inclusive, even for freaks like you."

Alright, this has gone on for far too long. Time they pay the price.

"Why hello there Nakiro, Itsuo! Fancy seeing you here!"

Fear quickly appears in Itsuo's eyes. Alright, let's go for him first.

"Itsuo, you managed to employ a _short joke_. What an impressive comedic feat! Only someone of a truly immense intellect could come up with such a novel idea. Although actually… that's all you came up with. I mean, I can at least respect the variety and length of your friends insults, but you just kind of cowered in the corner and let her do the insulting for you. But on the bright side… you showed you understood the difference between short and tall. And I say this with all honesty; for you, that is actually an impressive feat."

Itsuo clenched his jaw in anger, but seemingly resigned himself to not knowing how to respond pretty quickly.

"Oh, and Nakiro, you seem oddly obsessed with the contents of Natsuki's pants here. I mean, unlike you, I personally try to avoid bigotry towards LGBT+ groups, so I won't judge if you are left salivating at the thought of another girls privates. It is however very rude to do so without Natsuki's consent, you perv."

"H-hey, I'm not gay!"

"If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck… Also, with regards to the friends with benefits line, that one was pretty clever, credit where credit's due. Although speaking of credits, dues, and benefits, tell me, how many of each can be found in your parents finances?"

"Wh-What?"

"Bills due, credit cards maxed out, benefits programs that your parents seemingly always seem to be relying on… I mean, considering how pretentious you seem to be, I can't imagine you're voluntarily still using a ratty old backpack, or that your shirt is ripped of your own choice. Your parents can't afford better, and deep down you know you won't be able to afford better either."

Oh boy, her expression tells me I've hit a nerve here.

"You lack skills that will gain you decent employment, just like your parents did. You know that you'll have to explain to your kids someday why they don't get the toys the other kids get. You know that you'll have to explain to them why they're having Mac n Cheese for the fourth day in a row. Why the other kids don't have to work on the holidays. And you know you'll watch your kids be sicker, more violent, and less well educated than the other kids. And worst of all, you know that those children likely face the same fate. You have my deepest and sincerest condolences. I would not wish that future on anybody."

Itsuo, Monika, Natsuki, and Sayori (who appears to be somewhat more alert now) are all staring at me, slack jawed.

Nakiro is trembling, tears streaming down her face.

"I… I fucking hate you, you bastard!" she sobbed. "You think you know me? Y-You know nothing about me, you Sherlock Holmes wannabe prick!"

She then stormed off.

I may have gone too far with her this time. That may have cut too close to home

Itsuo backed off slowly. "I-I'll leave you guys alone, o-okay? Just, please, don't pull that sort of stunt on me, that was scary."

Monika and Sayori exchange a knowing glance and then nod at each other.

Monika walks off on her own towards the school. She then looks back at Sayori.

"Uh, Sayori?"

"Yeah?"

"The nod was supposed to convey that we should go on ahead and leave Natsuki and Makoto alone."

"Oh, okay, my bad."

"Alright, now that that's been cleared up."

Monika walked ahead on her own towards the school. Again. She then looks back at Sayori. Again.

"Oh for the love of God… Sayori, walk with me to school."

"Sure! Just waiting for Natsuki and Makoto-"

"FUCK IT I'M TELEPORTING HER! I'M DONE WITH THIS SHIT. WHY DID I THINK MAKING HER STUPID WAS A GOOD IDEA?"

"Wait, teleporting? Making me stupid? What are you talking abou-"

Monika and Sayori both vanished off, presumably having teleported to school.

* * *

Natsuki awkwardly fidgets around for a second.

"H-Hey dummy. I… I may need to think of a new nickname for you, all things considered."

"Oh, shall I be upgraded from dummy to nincompoop? I've always dreamed of this day!"

"Heh… Well you'll be dreaming for a while longer yet. You did a good job I guess, but I mean I would've been fine anyway… you just beat me to it, I-"

Out of nowhere she slaps herself as hard as she can.

"No! No, I won't let myself ruin this."

"Natsuki, what the hell was that?"

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I've been such an ass to you, and all you've ever done is try to help me. You're a great person, and I won't let myself deny that anymore. I'm not going to be some stupid tsundere trope. I… I have something to tell you."

What  
The  
This was unexpected. Have I finally done some proper damage to the script? Because this seems like a major deviation from what should be happening… which is nothing of significance.

"Natsuki… what is it?"

"I… I'd like to confieeiiei- confidently state my superiority; no dammit."

"I would like to state that I am in lo- lots of pain from that slap GOD WHAT IS THIS."

"I'd like to confess that there is a convention about fessing up and ahhhhhhhh why is this so difficult!?"

"I..."

"I'd like to confess that I love you. Your constant caring and support for me… what it means to me is unreal. Where others, even Monika, saw me being tormented and shrugged it off, you saw someone who needed a friend to support them. You saw something inside me that even I couldn't see. Something that I had given up on."

"You saw happiness. You saw happiness waiting to bloom, if only someone would finally care enough to let it happen. I thought that happiness was gone… And you bringing it back to me, day by day, in so many ways, big and small… You can't possibly know what that means to me. It's cheesy, and it terrifies me to be so open with you on this… but... I love you."

"Do you accept my confession?"


	10. An Okie Doki Christmas Special!

Authors Note:

* * *

Hey guys! It's me, Monika! (✿◠‿◠)

Not the one in the story, mind, a copy of the standard .chr file from the game that was granted editing rights on Hell oWorld's Google Doc! ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ

I can even add in little emotes at the end! It's almost like being back in DDLC, where I could be seen while talking to you! o(^▽^)o

Although I suppose back then I was doing so with an actual body, rather than stuff I found on an online Japanese emoticon site… ( ﾟｰﾟ)

Oh well! Now, you may be wondering why I'm directing the Authors Note, rather than, well, the author. Well the simple reason is-

 _Monika, I told you to let me introduce you to the audience! We've got to be coordinated about this!_

You did?! Σ('◉⌓◉')

Oh yeah, yeah you did! Whoopsy~ (ᗒᗜᗕ)՛̵̖

 _In any case, sorry for the long Authors Note here!_

I thought the whole reason you made this so long was to make it easier to reach a high word count? Σ('◉⌓◉')

…

 _Goddammit Monika._

Oh, was that a secret? Uh, I do apologise! Won't happen again! (╬⁽⁽ ⁰ ⁾⁾ Д ⁽⁽ ⁰ ⁾⁾)

 _In any case… Merry Christmas you guys!_

It's Christmas time!? Oh boy! A Winter wonderland! (╯^□^)╯︵ ❄ ⁝⁝⸃₍⁽΄˙̥΄ ⁾₎⸜ ❄

… _Monika, there's no snow here. For that matter, I live in the Southern Hemisphere, it's Summer here._

Well the page here is white as snow! I'm going to make a snow angel! o(^▽^)o

 _You know what, I admire your spirit. Go for it. In any case, we've spent well and truly long enough on this. Thank you Iimaandshovel for fulfilling my lifelong dream of being called a mug. I have always hoped to one day be a container for hot drinks. Thank you for the complement!_

Compliment, Donderpants. ( ﾟｰﾟ)

... _Why on Earth did I think inviting her was a good idea…._

 _In any case. This chapter was a tough combination of balancing the Christmas theme with the Natsuki confession last chapter, and my not actually being a big Natsuki fan. It took some really clever thinking, bit of nuclear engineering, smidge of string theory, dash of Dasher;_

You still haven't done it yet have you? You're just procrastinating writing the actual chapter by making this really long Authors Note. You have no clue what to do for it, so you delayed by doing this to fill up the word limit you had in mind. I mean, you clearly ran out of ideas a solid three chapters back, and now you're left with "Chapter 10: The jokes that weren't good enough for the first 9". No wonder you aren't getting many followers anymore! Oh, while I'm on the topic of your failures, your last chapter was classist as shit. Ehehehe, it's really quite amusing for me to watch your struggle; so pathetic! (✿◠‿◠)

…

[Monika . chr deleted]

 _Where was I… Ah yes. The Hell oWorld Christmas special! Enjoy!_

 _And thanks again for calling me a mug, much appreciated._

* * *

"Makoto? Uh… I would appreciate a prompt response. Do you or do you not accept my confession? Seriously, this is really bad for my heart. Not as in a "oh Romeo, my aching heart yearns for you" romance BS kinda way, more a "beats per minutes shouldn't be four figures" way. This is really anxiety inducing... baka!"

"..."

"L-Look, I totally get it if you turn me down. We've only known each other for a few days, so I'm sure saying I love you is a pretty huge red flag. I haven't got the curves teenage boys seem to obsess over. My personality is so abrasive that they named a personality disorder after me. There are a number of reasons for you to turn me down, and I swear I won't hold it against you if you do so. Wait… why am I arguing against dating me? Whatever, please, just respond! Even rejection will at least ensure I don't have a heart attack!"

This was… So deeply out of left field. Triggering an early confession from Yuri or Sayori would've been surprising, but Natsuki? She didn't even confess _at all_ in the game! She was the last person I expected to confess out of the blue!

"Well uh, Natsuki, to say I'm surprised would be a great understatement!"

"You're surprised? I only hit you once! I didn't call you a dummy for a solid hour! I may as well have been throwing myself at you."

"That is... significantly less flirtatious than you may think."

"Eh, I've heard about this sort of thing before online. Guys just suck at recognising hints."

"... Sure. In any case, I have thought about your decision. I'd like to have more time to think it over, but I'm rather concerned for your heartrate, so I'll give you an answer. Having heard your confession, I have decided that I will- "

* * *

Suddenly, we found ourselves knee deep in snow. We both appear to have Santa hats, and the trees all around are covered in lights and baubles.

Oh, and Monika is here. She appears to really have committed to the theme here, as she's dressed up in full Santa garb, beard and all. She's also hobbling around using a giant candy cane as a walking stick.

* * *

"Tis the season to be jolly! Seasons greetings to you lot!"

"Monika, what the heck are you doing here? And what's up with all the Christmas stuff?"

Natsuki seems really freaked out right now. "H-How did all this pop into existence? Am I high right now? I knew I shouldn't have trusted those brownies dad gave me… This is just typical for him."

Oh of course, she doesn't know this is a game.

Monika puffed out her chest.

"Natsuki, don't worry;"

She got into a weird, heroic pose.

"I am here!"

"Monika, while I appreciate the reference, it's not that easy to calm me down. Also uh, we were kind of, um..."

"Oh, did I interrupt something?"

"Yes actually, I was about to tell Natsuki that-"

"In any case! Merry Christmas! Or should I say "Happy Holidays"?"

"Monika, you're dressed up as Santa, I think you've made it pretty clear you're focussing on Christmas."

"Still… Happy Hanukkah! Have a Kickass Kwanzaa! Wish you all a Superb Saturnalia! Heard good things about St Lucia's Day, hope that was good… What else… Oh, have a brilliant Boxing Day! Is that it? "

"New Years?"

"Eh, pass. Oh, but I will wish you all an Overwhelmingly Optimistic Omisoka. This is Japan after all, seems appropriate. Okay, now I think I've run out of holidays in December, and alliterative terms for having a good one. At least that I'm aware of. Now I can focus on Christmas stuff."

"... Righto. Uh, Monika, I have a few quick questions. Namely, how is it currently Christmas? Wasn't it Halloween yesterday? Also, we were hanging out together all morning, and yet you didn't mention the holidays at all; did Christmas start right now? Plus, if it's the holidays, why are we still attending school?"

"Ah, the answer is simple. Jeremy Bearimy. Look it up. In any case, see you at school!"

She popped out of sight.

* * *

"Well that was unhelpful. So in any case Natsuki… Sorry for that delay. I assure you that all that stuff popping into existence was not related to drugs."

"... Alright, if you're sure."

"So uh, Natsuki, I must concede, I am a little bit weirded out at you declaring love after no dates and only knowing me for three days..."

"Oh yeah, I'm aware, it's pretty unusual. I'd probably not accept in your position."

"That said, if you'd like, I'd be happy to go on a date with you. I mean, what's the worst that can happen?"

"YES! And yeah, what's the worst that can happen? What time do you have in mind?"

"Ideally tonight, but, uh… I feel like spending Christmas together for the first date would be a bit much."

"Makoto, it was Halloween yesterday, I don't know what the hell happened to time continuity, but I think if we wait til tomorrow we're just going to end up with bloody Valentine's Day, which isn't going to be any better."

"Fair point. So tonight it is! What's your address?"

She suddenly bristled, and recoiled slightly. Oh yeah… probably not interested in my going to her house, considering her domestic situation.

"Oh, uh, didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. How about we meet up at McDonalds?"

"MacDonalds."

… That's right, those stupid damn efforts to avoid copyright infringement...

"Of course, my mistake. I'll meet you there at 6 PM. In the meantime, we should head to school."

Natsuki and I briefly walked together, but considering all that had just happened, it was really awkward, so we decided to go down two different routes.

* * *

My route was longer.

A _lot_ longer.

"What… huff… kind of road has… puff... fucking loop de loops?"

"Welcome to my personal hell, bud!"

I turn around to see a male student, who looked like he had been running a marathon. Which he probably had been. That was also a feature of this satanic road.

"Oh, someone else foolishly went down this road! Who're you?"

"The name's Basil! Basil Exposition!"

"What kind of family name is Exposition?"

"Yeah, my family were way too into the Austin Powers films. They also both changed their first names to the letter 's', because that made their full titles "Sexposition.". They suck."

"And swallow."

"God, not you too."

"Sorry, sorry, couldn't help myself. But hey, at least we're finally at school! A mere hour and a half late!"

"I started walking to school in _August_ man. I wish I were only an hour and a half late"

"Holy shit. How bad is this street?!"

"The postmen with us on their route have a 90% suicide rate. The road is used by many churches as a demonstration of Satanic influence. The Japanese government pays you to take real estate from that street off their hands."

"Jesus..."

"I had 8 siblings before we moved here. I'm now an only child."

"... Wow. Uh… Sorry to hear that man."

"Eh, our parents named all of us Basil. Including my sisters. Death may have been a blessing in disguise. In any case, see you later man."

Being so late, I've already missed first period. And a lot of second period for that matter.

But honestly, I really can't say I regret missing them. It's quite magical to be alone walking down these corridors, which have been decked out with tinsel, baubles, Christmas lights, caricatures of reindeer, and mistletoe. I note the last of these, as the game is after all themed as a cliche dating simulator, and that sets off some red flags.

Humming Christmas carols under my breath, I meander on over to Physics. I notice a rather conspicuous quantity of purple hair towards the back. That'll be Yuri.

I take a seat next to her.

* * *

"Merry Christmas Yuri!"

"Oh, hey Makoto. Um, Natsuki talked to me this morning, and I've been meaning to ask you, uh..."

"Oh, she told you? Yeah, we're going out to Mc- sorry, MacDonalds."

"Yes, so I've been told, but-"

"It's so weird that we managed to skip to Christmas, right?"

"Y-Yes, but Natsuki asked me for something odd, and uh;"

"Oh, if she didn't bring it up with me, it's probably either unrelated to me, or a surprise. Don't tell me."

"I, I really think she wouldn't tell you about this, and that you really need to know this."

"I appreciate your concern, but cmon, she's not going to bloody chloroform me or anything."

"... If you insist, I'll drop it. But I really think you should keep what I'm saying in mind. I agreed to help her with what she asked for, so consider yourself warned, alright?"

"Sure, Yuri."

That… kinda creeped me out. But come on, it's Natsuki, she's not going to have done anything actually dangerous. I wonder what she would've asked Yuri for though? I suppose her wardrobe might not be very well stocked, considering her father… maybe she asked Yuri for some clothing? Although I can't see why Yuri would feel she needed to tell me about that…

Why specifically Yuri? What would she have asked Yuri for, that she couldn't have asked the others for? Probably something intelligent, lewd, or dangerous. Of the three, lewd makes the most sense; Natsuki's not a psychopath, and Yuri wouldn't feel any need to tell me about some intelligence related secret.

Still though, that doesn't make much sense either… Natsuki is tsundere as hell, so I really doubt she's expose herself like that, and even ignoring that, this is the first date, so a lewd thing would also be really weird.

Oh well, being befuddled won't do me any good. I guess I'll see soon enough.

"So Yuri, what exactly are we supposed to be working on?"

"Page 216 of the workbook. We're focusing on LCR circuits right now. I can help you out if you'd like."

Her face suddenly reddened. "I-I should clarify that I offer as a friend, purely because you're late. Not out of some ulterior motive, such as wanting to brag about being knowledgeable or attraction or something."

"I now suspect both of those motives more than I did before you clarified. But, sure, I could use some help!"

We work through the exercise together. Eventually the bell rings, and we head our separate ways.

I don't encounter any of the dokis again until the club meeting.

* * *

I walk into the clubroom, and-

"EVERYONE! IS! HERE!" Sayori shouts excitedly.

"Christ, Sayori, what the hell was that?"

"Mum said she'd get me Stabbed Bowel Innards for Christmas."

"... Smash Bros Ultimate?"

"Honestly, I'm impressed you got that. Even I could barely tell. In any case, I'm really hyped up for it!"

Sayori seems energetic alright. Today's the day her happy facade is suppose to start crumbling away, and she's supposed to go home early… Maybe the holiday spirit has got her mood up?

"I'm glad to see you're in such a great mood today!"

Monika gestures me over.

"Three ghosts showed up and showed me some really traumatising stuff. I resent the Ebenezer Scrooge connection here, but regardless, it was pretty impactful. I decided that, for Christmas at least, I could remove Sayori's depression. Lord knows she deserves it. But it's coming back as soon as Christmas ends, alright?"

Duly noted.

Natsuki sauntered over to me, trying to act casual (and failing miserably).

"Are you looking forward to the festival? I can't wait!"

"Really? You seemed kind of unenthused last time I talked to you..."

It occurs to me that I did sleep for basically the entirety of Wednesday's club meeting f̵̹̅o̶̼̍̐̆͌͠r̸̛̖̗̔ ̷̨͊͊̽̈́͜t̶̝̣̍̏̎h̴̡̠͖̦̎̈́ė̶̩̋̈ͅ ̵͔̈́̀̏ś̴͔̙̓̋͜a̷̭̫͌̈́̐͠ḵ̴̅̐͘̕ę̸͇̯̐̏̿́̓ ̶̠͎̳͕͗̑͆̔o̷̰̖̰͝f̴̥͉͍̥̌͠ͅ ̷̙̭̘̜͖̓̔̇̑͜p̵͇͍̳̰̤͂̿́̀l̸̟̼̰̖͔͝o̵͙̱͍̦̳͆t̶̰̫̀̎ ̵̞̩̬̜̳̐͗̈́̓͠p̴̟̀̈r̵͚͚͙͈̪̖̓̑͊̚o̸͈̤̿g̸̢͉̯̻̊̈́̕r̸͎̙̥͈̙̀̽̍̎e̴̠̞̅̇͂̀͜s̸̢̺̬̝̬̬͝s̷̡̩͈̙͍͌̌̿͑͜͝i̷̢̛̦̼̝̾͑̚̕o̶̭̙͇̞̽̄͌̚ͅn̵͖̲͔̫̺̆̎̐̚̕͜.

"Monika, did she have a change of heart for the festival yesterday?"

"No, actually, I'm also surprised. This is quite a shock, albeit a pleasant one."

"Well, yeah. I'm not talking about _our_ part of the festival. But it's a whole day of school where we get to play and eat all kinds of delicious foods!"

I chuckle. "Heh, you just gave off some serious Sayori vibes there!"

Sayori yelled out; "Hey! I resemble that remark!"

... I don't have the heart to correct her on that one.

Ignoring our side discussion, Natsuki suddenly blurted out;

"Hey, Monika, do they usually have fried squid?"

"Squid? That's a pretty specific thing to look forward to."

"Oh come on… are you saying you don't like squid? You, of all people?"

"I said nothing of the sort! I have killed for squid, and I would do it again. Also, why would it be shocking for me specifically anyway?"

"Because, it's right there in your name! Mon-ika!"

"... Was this entire conversation a setup for a terrible pun that doesn't even translate at all?"

If so, I can respect that. I once ended a 3 year long relationship, purely because I thought of a good pun for breaking up with them.

… How the fuck did someone like me get into heaven?

"Doesn't… translate?"

"Ah, I mean, never mind! Let's just focus on our own event!"

The group quickly disperses to their own activities.

* * *

I try to work on homework for a few minutes, but quickly get distracted by Yuri peeping at me over her book. The second our eyes lock, she ducks down, looking somewhat flustered.

Geez, she has got some serious anxiety problems. She seems to be able to move past them sometimes while we're talking, but I can tell she would never be the one to start a conversation.

I stand up, and sit down at the desk next to Yuri.

"Hey!"

"H-Hi Makoto! I… I must confess, I was of the impression you wanted to be left to your thoughts, but uh, if you would prefer to share whatever is on your mind, go right ahead! You have my full, rapt attention!"

I can see Sayori in the background mouth "rap detention" in great confusion… I guess she's listening in. Not that we've exactly been keeping quiet, in fairness.

"I assure you, I have nothing too pressing on my mind!"

"Time just skipped two months, you're going on a date, I've brought up some weird thing that I'm really hoping is a MacGuffin, and you seem to be actively surprised that Sayori is in a good mood today."

"Well, I mean, when you put it that way..."

"Audibly?"

"... Yeah, pretty much."

"Well, whatever qualms you face, know this; the world is full of meaning, often hidden deep beneath plain sight. And there are many untold mysteries behind each person, no matter how well you may know them."

"... That seems like really bad advice for when you're feeling worried. Why would the knowledge that people have heaps of unknowable reasonings and mysteries about them make me feel better about confusing stuff going on in my life?"

"Of course advice from me on how to handle stress is terrible! I can't even start conversations with people, and even around a friend like you, I'm constantly terrified that I'll screw up some element of my sentence structure, and have to speak like… like..."

"A… normal person?"

"Yes."

"Yuri, I'm friends with Sayori. What is she doing right now?"

"... It would appear she is testing the crayon capacity of her nostrils."

"She's not in my field of view right now, and I was still so sure she was doing something stupid that I used her current actions as an example! Trust me, Yuri, you can relax; speak freely! I'm not going to bring in the Feds or anything if you screw up a sentence here or there."

"Thank you Makoto. That means a lot to me."

"No worries. In any case, we never actually got around to reading the book you told me about on Tuesday. Would you still like to read with me?"

"Oh! Not at all! But if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to make some tea first."

"Go ahead!"

"Lovely! Nothing can quite match tea in its ability to truly perfect a reading session!"

We both stand up and make our way to the closet. Natsuki gets out of the way (although I think I might spy a hint of resentment in her eyes for not having really interacted with her yet,)

Yuri passes me a small water pitcher with a filter inside it, and grabs an electric kettle.

"Right, so I'll just plug this in at the teacher's desk, and then we'll go get some water."

After a surprisingly convoluted process (in which I make sure I'm with her all the way, because this scene in Act 2 gave me trust issues.), we're finally prepared with tea.

"Hey, do you mind if we sit on the floor for this? It's better on my back, since I don't have to hunch over my desk. I try to avoid exacerbating it, since I have back pain pretty regularly."

"Huh, wonder why that is?"

"It's most likely because of my- uh..."

"Posture, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, that."

Monika leans over and whispers "Indeed, two rather enormous postures, of a voluptuous nature."

"Shut up Monika."

I have some small chocolate candies, that have so far evaded Sayori's radar.

Well…

More accurately, I yelled out "Oh my God look at that puppy!" every time she noticed it.

I'm surprised it worked thirty seven times.

In any case, I bring them over, since I think they'd go well with the tea. We then sit on the floor, pressed up against the wall, and read some of her book.

Books are really designed to be an individual endeavour, so we have to sit really close to one another to be able to read well enough.

"Oh, here's your teacup."

It's a very awkward position, trying to hold my end of the book, and a teacup, while avoiding a certain someone's... posture.

* * *

Sayori walks over, gazing at Yuri's teacup.

"... Yes, Sayori?"

"Yuri, why do you always hold your pinky out when holding a teacup?"

"It's a formality, a polite quaintness, an effort to display traits of a finer class."

"... So it makes you look smart?"

"... Yes, essentially."

"Huh, cool! I might try that."

Sayori sticks out her pinky finger, and a look of determined seriousness takes over her face.

"Oh yes yes, we are very amused. Pip-pip cheerio and all that rot! God save the queen, and long live the fine Brattish Umpire."

"... You seem happy pretending to be posh, so I'll leave you to it."

Ignoring her, Sayori stared at her teacup in wonder.

"Wait… if one finger is posh… what if I remove my ring finger too?"

Monika cheekily grins and dashes out to the hallway. I can already see her opening a command prompt...

"Only one way to find out!" she yells on the way out.

Rather excitedly, Sayori sticks out her ring finger too.

Suddenly, she grows a bushy, well maintained and sleek moustache. A monocle appeared on her left eye, which suspiciously has the logo Monikle on the rim. A gigantic posh and feathery hat also appeared, almost squashing her under its sheer voluminous flory.

"WOAH. The moustache is uncomfortable, unsuitable, and kind of biologically concerning, but woah! Now I can save some of this tea for later!"  
A spark in her eyes gives me great cause for concern.

"Middle finger!"

Suddenly her school uniform was replaced with a Victorian era style dress.

"Index finger!"

Her voice takes on an upper class accent. Even when she's not speaking, she gives off an aura of wealth and status, and her mere existence increased the chance of class warfare within a 600 mile radius of 20%. I suddenly find my mind awash with thought of the dastardly bourgeois class, oppressing we proletariats, and I can quietly hear the Soviet anthem in the background.

"Stop Sayori, you've reached peak poshness! Even I'm starting to resent you for how upper class you are! You're also only holding it up with a thumb! That's very unsafe! You could spill some of my tea! Speaking of which, give me my damn teacup back!"

"Thumb time, dear computer pots of mine."

"Compatriots."

"Aww, that undercuts my upper class presence somewhat… My lessened lexicon betrays me. Alas, I must leave your side. Tata."

She removed her thumb, and suddenly teleported away.

"... Two questions. Where the hell did Sayori go… and how is the teacup just floating there?"

* * *

 **Meanwhile, in Westminster, England.**

* * *

"Those new makeup artists we hired are absolutely fantastic. I don't know how they did it, but you look at least 70 years younger, Your Majesty."

"... Majesty?"

* * *

 **Back in Doki Doki Literature Club, Japan**

* * *

"... Is… Is she coming back? Y-You know what, I'm just going to hope she comes back, and read in the meantime."

"Sounds like a plan. Oh, uh, have a chocolate!"

"Thanks, but I'd rather not. I'd hate to leave smudges on the book."

Ah right. This is the bit in the game where the MC decides that common sense is less important than the mighty power of Hershey's. Or… Morinaga… Damn you Japan, having chocolate brands I don't know.

However, seeing as I am not in fact a colossal moron, I decided to maintain some vague degree of respect for personal space. The reading passes uneventfully.

"Alright guys, it's time to share poems!"

I go to Sayori first.

"Hey Sayori!"

"Hiya, Makoto~!"

We exchange poems.

* * *

 _Deer Santa Maria_

 _Ive bean a gud girl this yeer, espeshally with helping my mum and dad.  
I pade close attenshun in schule, and got an F+ average uwu. Hi scour!_

 _Four Chrismass I wood leyk to get;  
Constantinople  
Rudolth  
Lotsa spagete  
A porridge in a pine tree. Weit, no, partige in a pair tree._

 _You'res truely  
Sayore_

 _P.S. Howe doo PS's werk?_

* * *

"Uh, Sayori..."

"Yeah?"

"... Good job. I… I really like the… the ending."

"Oh woah, I included an ending!? Geez, I really knocked it out of the park this time!"

I nod nervously, and walk over to Monika.

On the way over, Natsuki stopped me.

"Read Monika's poem. I just did, and, well… We'll need to talk "

I (now somewhat nervously) continue on to Monika.

"Hey Monika… l-looking forward to seeing your poem!"

"Hey Makoto! I decided to theme my poem around the holidays! Uh, picture this sung to the tune of "Hark the herald angels sing". Or don't, it's a free country."

* * *

 _One girl hanged upon the tree  
For the Christmas revelry!  
Baubles of their mirth filled eyes  
As you hear their screams subside!  
Joyful laughs, as I decide  
When you'll get electrified!  
While it may get me in chains  
Eggnog tastes so good with a smidge of brains.  
Harming those who dare to say  
They'd like to take my love away!_

* * *

… I should probably not tell her about Natsuki. That was... marginally more psychopathic than I had hoped.

"Heh, uh, c-creative work there Monika!"

"Thanks! Yours is good too!"

"S-So, I'll just go now-"

"Monika's writing tip of the day! Sometimes, thanks to an amalgamation of poor lessons in language classes, new authors are afraid to tackle the task of writing! They're so used to hearing teachers spout off about the hidden themes and messages of books, that they're left in a panic, wondering what they could possibly use as a central theme. Each person views the world through a unique lens; gleaning unique information. It is this unique perception that it is most interesting to explore through written word; the best authors are not necessarily those you can easily write essays about, but rather, those who can express their own thought process, and illuminate you on a whole new way of viewing the world. So long as you hold true to yourself, your work will always be appreciated here!"

"Th-Thanks Monika."

I don't seem to recall that ever being a writing tip in game… Is she hinting at something here?

I move on. Natsuki and Yuri both had their standard poems about beaches, and nothing worthy of remark transpires; it's pretty much exactly the same as the in-game script.

Once I'm done, Yuri bristles somewhat.

"Something the matter?"

"N-No, nothing serious… just not a fan of the stagnant air in here. It's a common form of foreshadowing, for when something terrible is going to happen?"

"Why would air give a toss about whether or not something bad is going to happen? It's a cool narrative thing they might do in some of your books, but all it really indicates is that the windows need to be left open."

"Y-You're right… In any case, Monika, shouldn't we start considering some preparations for the festival."

"Ah, right! We should decide what we'll each be doing for that."

Natsuki smirks. "I already know what I'll be doing."

"Indeed, you'll be working on cupcakes. We'll need a lot of them, in a bunch of different flavours; are you able to do that by yourself?"

"Can the Pope wear silly hats?"

"Please, Natsuki, keep papal matters out of this. Oh, but uh, personal request; can you make some of those hokey pokey ones you made a few weeks ago?"

"Ah, I see you're a man of culture!"

"I'm assuming that's some weeby reference, but can you please not call me a man."

"Sure thing man."

"... Alright then. My job will be to print and assemble pamphlets and general promotional materials. I'll be working on the design with Sayori, at her house!"

Her eyes lit up upon hearing this. "Oh boy, we get to make proper Ganon!"

"Makoto, do you know what she's saying?"

"Propaganda?"

"Yeah, that."

"Well, that just leaves Yuri. Yuri can… Uh..."

"I-It's alright. I, I can take a hint. I know when I'm not wanted."

We all rush to assure her that she's indeed very important and wanted.

Well, except Natsuki. Natsuki just shouted out "THE TRUTH HURTS!" and then went back to reading manga.

"Yuri, as club president, I assure you that each of us… except maybe Natsuki… really depends on you. You can work on the decorations! You've always been good at creating the desired ambience."

"Y-Yes, I assure you I will create a delightful atmosphere!"

Glancing up from her manga, Natsuki shouts "If you don't include glitter, I will!"

"...Noted."

Sayori suddenly furrows her brow. "Hold on, that's only three jobs. Monika and I are working as a team of two, so divide three by two, that gets you to 1.5, but the festival is on the 10th, so multiply by that and you get 15… What the, Makoto, how come you're not doing any work if we've got 15 tasks!?"

"Sayori, that maths is terrible, but yes, I was wondering what role I would play in the festival production. I'm not necessarily "good" at "anything", but surely I can be of some assistance."

"Well, both Natsuki and Yuri have some pretty heavy tasks to handle, I'm sure they'd both appreciate a helping hand."

"Yeah, baking on such a scale will be quite a task."

"And it takes a lot of decorations to change an entire room this size."

"Of course, you could always help me out as well… I would be really appreciative of that."

Sayori lights up. "Oh, oh yes, go with Monika and I! Once we're done, we can Smash!"

Natsuki and Yuri both give her an odd look.

Really?

"Guys, she means playing Smash Bros. Get your minds out of the gutter."

"O-Of course we knew that! R-Right Yuri?"

"Y-Yeah, absolutely! No confusion whatsoever!"

* * *

In any case, the choice here is obvious.

"Since Sayori and Monika have the lightest workload, it wouldn't make sense to help them. Instead, how about I invite Natsuki over, we bake cupcakes, and then Sayori, Monika, Natsuki and I should be done in time for us to play some Smash Bros."

Yuri looks crestfallen.

"Don't think I've forgotten about you, Yuri. Seeing as I have a double period of art tomorrow, you and I can try to do some of the decorations there!"

"Wait, but then I'll miss my actual double period!"

"Yes… a double period of Physical Education."

"... I retract my prior complaint. But wait, won't your art teacher not let a random student into their class? And won't they expect you to be doing your work for the subject?"

"They earn a living teaching _art._ They're not exactly going to be a stickler for rules. In any case, with all that, we should all be able to join up with Sayori and Monika by 4-5 PM, and then we can hang out, and play videogames and the like as a club. Sound good?"

* * *

Having all agreed to my suggestions, we head home.

I don't stay there for long though. Pretty quickly, I head off to MacDonalds, to meet up with Natsuki.

"Hey there, Tsu."

"What the hell was that?"

"Trying to go with a nickname, that clearly didn't work."

"No kidding, Sherlock."

Natsuki furrowed her brow. "So, I guess we don't know much about each other yet… Well, besides names and ages, I suppose."

"You're eighteen, right?"

"I'm five!"

"Don't you dare fucking lie to me."

"Plus seven!"

"What kind of cryptic bullshit is-"

Wait, so five plus seven equals, one, two, three...

"How do you count to twelve again WAIT WHAT?!"

"Heh, glad you played along with that reference. I just wanted to embrace the memes and work with the loli jokes rather than against them."

"That was a reference?"

"... Makoto, you are aware that I'm not actually 12, right? And… you know how to count to twelve, right?"

"... Yeeeeees. Yeah, yeah let's go with yes."

"Okay then… so, if we're going to be in any kinda romantic relationship, I will need to ask; how familiar with anime are you?"

"I watched exactly one anime series to completion."

"Oh God."

"That series in question was Sword Art Online."

"You have no idea how much I want to hurt you right now."

"Oh, it gets worse. The order I watched it in was; the abridged series first, followed by all of Season 2 except Episode 1, followed by Season 1, followed by episode 1 of Season 2."

"For the love of all that's holy; d-did you at least use subtitles?"

"Of course! I'm a noob, not a monster. Subs not dubs."

* * *

Natsuki's smile suddenly froze, and she whispered "I fucking knew it" under her breath.

"Uh, Natsuki, what's the matt-"

I felt a sharp pain in my thigh. Looking down, it appears Natsuki has shoved a syringe into it.

* * *

I suddenly recall what Yuri said earlier today.

" _Thanks, but I'd rather not. I'd hate to leave smudges on the book."_

No, not that. You know what, that's my bad, I should've been more specific.

" _Natsuki asked me for something odd."_

" _I really think she wouldn't tell you about this, and that you really need to know this._ "

This… This has to be what she was talking about.

* * *

"What the fu… Is this, like, an emergency flu shot or something? I, I don't see why it would be administered by random students though, and whoa okay there goes all sensations below the neck. The… the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the ce… of the, of the"

I collapsed forwards onto the table.

* * *

Author's Note:

I promise that there is a logical explanation for this. One can logically identify why she'd do this based on everything stated so far in the story, and it will be discussed in the next chapter. It _is not_ just a stupid cliffhanger idea.


	11. Serious Update (NOT PART OF STORY)

**Authors Note:**

I know I normally try to keep things light and (I hope) entertaining. But this entire chapter is a serious update on Hell oWorld. Ignore it if you're just interested in the actual story itself.

* * *

Tl;dr: Next chapter will be the last chapter I write.

* * *

First off; I'm thankful for all the support Hell oWorld has received. I truly am. I've been keeping a pretty close eye on the stats for it. At the time of writing*;

It's on the second page for most followers.

It's high on the third for most favourites.

Oh, and, on the true, ultimate way to find new, fantastic fanfic, that is totally used by everyone and is not just being hyped up here because it reflects favourably on me; it's on the very first page for most reviews.

Considering there are 465 pages worth of DDLC fanfic, I can't thank you guys enough. I"m glad enough of you enjoyed it to get it to such a high level.

* * *

*All figures based on K-T rated ones. Get yo E rated smut outta here. Well okay in fairness there's a lot of smut in T. And a lot of good stories that are E rated. But still. No. Some of those damn things give me trust issues.

* * *

Unfortunately, I can't continue to support this fanfic for much longer. I'll give it one more chapter, to truly close it off; I assure you, no expenses will be spared. Chocolate fountains, caviar, all naturally features. T-Trust me, there's totally people on the way to take your coats.

Why am I moving on from Hell oWorld? Well, there's quite a few reasons.

 **1) My interest in DDLC is waning.  
**  
Don't get me wrong, I still think it's a fantastic game, and when some relevant content pops up, I enjoy it. But my zest for DDLC has exhausted itself, at least for now. I've been writing fanfic on it since April, and talking about it and reading fanfic since... Probably about February. There's only so long I can keep my enthusiasm for it up to the point where I want to write fanfic about it.

 **2) Burn out.**

This is what killed "In My Hand" too, for those who can remember ye ancient times, back when I gave that fanfiction support.  
I'm not having fun writing these anymore. And I know it shows in terms of the quality of the chapters. I made a joke about it in the Authors Note last chapter, but there's truth to it; I'm running out of ideas.  
Where chapters used to get 8-10 followers, now they get 3-5. Or, for last chapter, 0 (one person joined, one left; probably because I made that chapter stupidly long, and I only released it a few days ago.).  
It's not much fun anymore, and it just leads to worse content, and in turn, deservedly, not many people following. (Although that may be in part because DDLC is getting pretty old now; I'm not the only one whose interest will be waning.)

 **3) New horizons.**

I'm playing through Danganronpa V3, and watching BNHA, over the Christmas holidays. I'm already getting the sense that at least one will have enough appeal for me to want to start up a new fanfic on it. The prospect of a new fanfic, on a totally new franchise, excites me quite a bit. A chance to find writing fan content fresh and enjoyable again. Hopefully, I'll see some of you lovely chaps there.

 **4) Kind of a rough time of year for me.**

"Sorry, a ~10 week holiday with _Christmas_ in it is a rough time of year?"

Yes. On paper, this is a great time for me. In practice, it just means my sleep cycle collapses, and takes my good mood and self esteem with it. Nothing quite like regularly being awake at 5 AM, and not nearly as regularly being awake at noon, to make you feel bad about yourself. And since it's the holidays, I haven't been doing anything remotely productive, which does not help. Toss in a lovely dose of seasonal depression, and I'm left feeling more tired and less confident right now writing this than I was in the middle of exam season.

I'm really just not in the place mentally to keep on throwing energy at this.

 **5) Bad motivation  
**  
Recently, it seemed to me like I was more slavishly pursuing some dopamine hit from getting new followers, rather than actually pursuing writing this just for fun.  
I'm glad the fic has gotten as many as it has, but that's got the ring of an obsessive tendency, not a healthy, fun way to spend my spare time.

* * *

In conclusion, I think it's time to move on from Hell oWorld. But I don't want to just leave you on a cliffhanger. You deserve better than that. I can't promise you a happy ending, but I'll promise you an ending at the very least.

* * *

Thanks again for the support, and sorry for this update being kind of a downer. Stay awesome.

If you want some more cheerful news, I have a screenshot for when the story had **69** reviews and 6, **420** views.

Hehe funny numbers I'm an integillent individual.

And uh, if you happen to be a fan of Danganronpa and/or BNHA…  
No spoilers please, I beg you.


	12. N ò w e ṽ e ř y o ń ë

**Author's Note:**

Sayonara.

* * *

 **Natsuki's perspective**

I'm finally at a safe location.

I knock on the door, and it is promptly opened. An aura of disapproval greets me.

"H-Hey Yuri..."

"Oh God… I knew it! I fucking knew you'd use it on Makoto! D-Did you get here unseen?"

"Yeah, I made it look like I was just helping a really drunk friend. At least, until I got hold of a bag to put him in. Sidenote, man, he is heavier than I thought."

"Well… Come in, I suppose. You may as well explain what the hell you're doing out of public view."

She gives me a hand with the bag, and we both bring him down to her basement, and tie him up.

I can't help but notice that she's got a weird, large barrel, filled to the brim with some murky looking liquid.

"Yuri, what the hell is that?"

"You know I'm into creepy, slightly homicidal stuff, and you're into anime. So, when I heard you were coming over, I, well… Take a guess!"

"No… No way… Is this… 35 litres of water, 20 kilograms of carbon, 4 litres of ammonium, 1.5 kilograms of lime, 800 grams of phosphorus, 5 grams of iron, 3 grams of silicon, and trace amounts of 15 other elements?"

"Yes. Yes it is."

"Th-that's a brilliant idea Yuri! What a clever way to intersect our interests! I could kiss you right now!"

"R-Really?"

"No, of course not Yuri, I'm still 90% sure I saw you stab some chick in the bathrooms. I'm not interested in getting with you."

"Oh… I see. In any case, Natsuki, now that there's no imminent dangers… What the fuck?"

"I-I can explain. I've been suspecting something was afoot for a while, but I had a pretty massive crush on him, so I tried to ignore it for as long as possible."

"Alright, but why did you suspect him?"

"Simple."

* * *

"It started way back on Monday."

I pulled out a folded up sheet, which… to be frank, looked quite a lot like those weird boards conspiracy people use, complete with random red lines linking everything.

* * *

"Remember how he said he'd eaten solely frozen peas for 8 months? Well, even if by some miracle you survived that lethal diet, you'd almost certainly be in extremely poor mental condition. And yet, he responded not only logically, but with quite a deal of his wits about him. He also stumbled on his words a bit at one stage, referring to dollars as currency, before correcting to Yen. He didn't seem terribly suspicious, yet, but I decided to somewhat keep an eye on him, just in case."

"Alright, with you so far..."

"Then, on Tuesday, stuff got really suspect. First off, he seemed to have completely forgotten what unit we were doing in Calculus. That should've been a major red flag, but immediately afterwards he defended me from my bullies, so I was willing to move on. Later, I overheard his English teacher discussing an "unprecedented" change in his English ability; I quote, "Makoto showed an unprecedented leap, from almost flunking, to a native proficiency… at least in writing. I'll be sure to test his skills further next time he's in my class.". The exact opposite was stated by his Japanese teacher. He also seemed to be involved in some secrecy with Monika, who was herself making some really weird comments, especially that weird psychopathic Spongebob song parody. Finally, Monika and Makoto both showed up by my window, and then in a puff of smoke, vanished."

"You know, now that you mention it, they did some weird stuff when they were around me too..."

"Oh, but I'm just getting started. Thursday was when shit really hit the fan. First off, he seemed so nonchalant about the whole Christmas shift thing. _Time_ had broken, and he seemed to wave it off as some minor thing. He also slipped on his words again, referring to McDonalds, instead of MacDonalds. So tell me, what have we gathered so far?"

"... Something peculiar surrounds Makoto, with regards to language, and he seems way too willing to accept the Universe throwing curveballs?"

"Precisely. So, here's the thing; I have a huge crush on him, but I'm not an idiot… I needed some way to deal with it if my suspicions were right, hence, why I asked you for that syringe. And then, I set up a trap for him. The one thing I know for sure is that he seems to think of dollars when he things of currency, and is suddenly adept in English, but not Japanese. So, with that in mind, I set up my trap."

* * *

" _For the love of all that's holy; d-did you at least use subtitles?"_

" _Of course! I'm a noob, not a monster._ _ **Subs not dubs.**_ ""

* * *

A line that, to him at least, probably seemed innocuous. It's a pretty simple part of the anime community… _In the West._ But this is Japan. "Dubs" simply aren't a thing for anime here! Anime is _originally_ in Japanese! The second he said that, I knew… Between that, his strange abilities in English, his sudden failures with Japanese, and his referring to dollars as currency… He is not who he says he is."

"W-Wait, what are you accusing him of?"

"He's lying. Whoever is in that noggin of his, it sure as hell ain't Makoto."

"Maybe he migrated here recently? Surely that would explain it!"

"Impossible. Sayori's his childhood friend… and she's been with us in Japan her whole life. She's known Makoto since they were three. Besides, if they were in a country that spoke English until recently, he'd have been adept there from day one."

Yuri looked strangely disappointed to hear this damning evidence. Maybe she had a crush on him too? Eh, probably just sad to think a friend was a fraud. In any case, time to interrogate! I'm sure he'll wake up any second!

* * *

 **Much, much later.**

* * *

A splash of cold water to the face gives him quite a rude awakening.

"Wha- That's so inconsiderate! I'm going to catch a nasty cold now- Wait, where am I?"

"Yuri's basement. Now listen here, Buster, you've got a lot of explaining to do!"

Makoto stared at me indignantly.

" _I've_ got a lot of explaining to do? Remind me, who decided to knock their date unconscious using some kind of fucking date rape drug, and then tie said date up in a basement?"

""Subs not dubs" ring a bell? You moron, we live in Japan!"

Makoto's indignation quickly dissipated, replaced with a hint of fear.

"... I see... So, uh, how long have I been knocked out here?"

Oh… I'd hoped that wouldn't come up...

"... Aha, well, uh, we didn't exactly know how much of the drug would be necessary to knock you out… so, we knocked you out for quite a while. It's… It's early Monday morning, about 5 AM. This is _far_ from the first bucket of water I've dumped on you. Speaking of which, you should really change out of those clothes."

"Wait, wait, Monday morning?"

His face lit up with horror, followed by contemplation.

" It… It might not be too late… L-Let me out! I-I have something very important to do!"

"If you want to get out that soon, being honest and telling us what the fuck is up is a good way to do so."

"A-Alright, what do you want me to tell you?"

"If you're not Makoto, who are you, and how are you controlling him."

"... Anything else you want me to tell you?"

"Oh come on man, are you in a rush or not?"

"See, here's the thing; what you want me to tell you? It's really, _really_ bad news. It depends on knowledge that drove Monika to the brink of suicide, and caused her to commit mass homicide."

Yuri runs down the stairs.

"Oh good, he's awake. And… damp. Natsuki, I told you to stop doing that, I don't want mould in here."

"I mean it worked, right? And Makoto, somehow I doubt Monika has committed murder. Just tell us the truth."

"Please Natsuki, let me out. I really want to protect you from that knowledge… Ignorance is bliss. But each second we spend here, we're dealing with an ever worsening case of Schrodinger's Sayori."

He… he doesn't sound like he's lying. But… No, I can't see why Sayori would be in danger.

"Why on Earth should I trust you?"

"Sure, I'm not Makoto. But simply put, you never knew the true Makoto. I did, and, well, he was kind of a crappy person, to be frank. Now, I know it's hard to put faith in someone you know to have lied, but think about the kind of person I've been. Would I really be dishonest with malicious intent? Or only in a genuine effort to keep you safe?"

… I'm going to regret this…

Yuri grabs my arm as I reach towards the tethers.

"What the hell are you doing, Natsuki? Do you have any idea how much trouble he could get us in?"

"... Maybe he is a lying scumbag… but I just can't risk Sayori's life for our own self interest. I acknowledge that maybe he just intends to call the cops on us."

"Gee, you think maybe he'd inform the authorities over _his own kidnapping_? What a fucking astute observation! Did you work that out all on your own?"

"Too bad. I place my faith in friendship."

"What the… this isn't one of your dumb manga or anime plots where "the power of friendship" will save us all. This is real life! You committed a felony, and made me an accomplice! If you're going to kidnap someone, and not obfuscate your identity, then to be frank, the kidnapped is likely to leave the house in the same bag he entered it in, albeit in smaller parts. They sure as hell don't just walk out the front door as soon as they wake up! No, Natsuki, I hope you can agree that we simply can't let him go."

"Yeah, while you were going off on that rant I set him loose. He's probably already left the house."

" _ **Goddammit Natsuki!**_ "

* * *

 **Makoto's Perspective**

* * *

God, I wish I were more athletic right now. Running to Sayori's house is quite a tough task. Also, of course Yuri's house is on the opposite side of town. That's just typical of my luck. Of course they can't be closer together, my life has to be as difficult as possible.

I'm passing by the school, which means I must be… about halfway done.

"Makoto?"

I turn my head to the source of this familiar voice, and being the uncoordinated buffoon I am, trip over in the process.

Basil Exposition offers me a hand up. "Are you quite alright? You should let the cops know you're okay, they've been looking everywhere for you!"

"What… why are you here this early?"

"Yeah, it's a four month long walk to and from home. I'm living at the school now."

"Oh… Makes sense… N-No time for this, I need to get going!"

"You in a rush? I can drive you."

"... You have a car? And if so, why the hell didn't you just drive it instead of walking to school?"

"The last time someone drove on our roads, a sinkhole killed 93 people. It's now illegal."

"Right… Well, I'd love a ride! If you could take me home, that'd be lovely."

"Sure thing."

He quickly speeds off. After about a minute, I begin to wonder why he doesn't ask where my house is… and then I notice that it's covered in a metric ton of police investigation tape. Ah, right, on account of the whole kidnapping thing.

I'm not exaggerating about the metric ton thing, for the record. Part of the roof has caved in due to a simply unbelievably unnecessary amount of tape.

"Thanks Basil!"

I rush out of the car, and into her house.

"Sayori?"

No response.

I rush up the staircase. No time for stupid script junk about how her boyfriend ought to be doing stuff like this. It's not like I have time to make up some silly parody nonsense about it.

I pause at the door. Have… Have I made it in time? Is she even still suicidal?

I gently open the door.

"Sayo-"


	13. c ǎ n b e h a p p ý

Authors Note

* * *

Hey fellas! Turns out the finale was a bit longer than I wanted, so I split it into two sections. I'm looking at the viewership stats, and it seems about 42 people visited this chapter, while only 27 visited the one before. So, just thought I should clarify, I uploaded both Chapter 12 and Chapter 13 at the same time, and I would recommend reading them in that order. I wish you all a fantastic 2019, and remember, J̷̮͇͂ȕ̸̱̅s̴̨͆̎t̴̜͒ ̵̳͍̽̏M̸̤̍̎o̷̩͌͐ņ̶̰̈̃ĭ̴̡͍k̵̖͇͋a̷̡̽ !

* * *

 **Monika's Perspective**

* * *

"-ight about… now."

Alright, if I've correctly judged Makoto's timeliness, and the author's desire to string out the suspense over whether or not Sayori is alive, it should now be on my perspective. Uh… Hi viewer! Lovely weather we're having, isn't it? I mean, I don't believe it's actually possible for it to be anything other than sunny here, but you know what, I'll humour you with some small talk.

Wait, no, I can't do that. I should hurry. Time is of the essence here. Also you can't respond to me, which makes this rather a waste of time. Which, again, don't have time to spare.

I hurriedly make my way to Sayori's house. The door is already wide open, presumably from Makoto opening it in quite a hurry.

I walk up the stairway, warily watching for signs of anything unexpected.

I walk down the hallway, and into Sayori's room.

Makoto is sitting on the bed next to Sayori, who is laying down under the covers.

"Alright Sayori, open wide!" Makoto said, holding a bowl of chicken soup and a spoon.

Sayori's eyes stared vacantly off at the ceiling.

"C-Come on Sayori, you look really pale! This lovely bowl of chicken soup should make you feel a lot better!"

I can see tears in his eyes, and there's something broken sounding in his voice.

I can also see the frayed ends of a rope, attached to a fixture on the roof.

"Here comes the aeroplane! Wh-Whoosh! Uh… Sayori, you'll… you have to open your mouth for this to work."

I see marks on her neck… And bloodstains on the blanket roughly where her hands would be. The blood must've been fresh at the time...

"The aeroplane is running low on fuel. It's… It's about to crash into the ocean. Sayori, please… Open wide…"

I walk over to him, and place a hand on his shoulder.

"We… We both know she's dead. Please… Don't do this to yourself."

He sits there in silence for a moment.

"... Wh-Why Monika? After all I've done… Why would you do this to her? Is it the thing with Natsuki? Were you that upset that I didn't choose to do the weekend project with you? Just.. why?"

"I'll tell you all this… Soon. But first..."

I pull up a command prompt, and start up Act 3. It breaks my heart to see Makoto's face as what remains of Sayori phases out of existence, and her room transform into the classroom in the void.

* * *

 **Natsuki's Perspective.**

* * *

"Hmm. Okay, so, to recap, we set free Makoto, and now the Earth is phasing out of existence. Now then, let's not rush to conclusions as to correlation;"

"Oh for fuck's sake Natsuki. First off, _**we**_ didn't do anything. YOU set free someone who found manipulation of the laws of physics normal. And now the laws of physics are breaking! I wonder who exactly is to blame for this? What a fucking mystery! You better go into Sherlock Holmes mode, break out some handy exclamations of "Objection!". Maybe a class trial could help out! This is truly a mystery for the fucking ages!"

"Okay, now I don't appreciate your tone."

"Those are bold words for someone in stabbing range!"

"Ehehe… M-My bad."

"Gee, you don't say. This is the last time I give someone date rape drugs."

"... For ethical reasons, because I've shown you the dangers of it, or because, you know, the universe is probably about to end?"

"Yes."

And on that note, we vanish off into the ether.

* * *

 **Makoto's Perspective.**

* * *

"They're coming to take me away ha-haaa!

They're coming to take me away ho-ho hee-hee ha-haaa

To the funny farm,

Where life is beautiful all the time

And I'll be happy to see those nice young men

In their clean white coats

And they're coming to take me away ha-haaa!"

"Makoto, please, I don't have time for you to be mentally out of sorts."

"Unfortunately, having a mental breakdown isn't entirely within my sphere of influence. Your Makoto should be functional again within 3-10 business days. If problems persist after two weeks, contact 0118-999-881-999-119-7253 for technical support."

Monika slapped me rather harshly in the face.

"Is this how you treat the fine Minister of Silly Walks? I am outraged! Expect to hear from my lawyers!"

"Please Makoto, this is the only time I can speak to you freely! I don't have time for a mental breakdown full of stupid references!"

"I'll be sure to speak to your manager too, and… wait, speak freely?"

"Makoto, you never went to Heaven."

"Sorry, what now? I-I was most certainly in Heaven! And how do you know about that anyway?"

"This is the 768th time we've been in this classroom."

" _I beg your pardon?_ "

"Makoto, you're a smartass, an elitist, and were a massive scrooge, both towards yourself, and towards others. Why the fuck would _you_ of all people end up in Heaven?"

"Oh… This..."

"Yes. Makoto, this isn't a rescue operation. It's the biggest trap since Natsuki."

"Really Monika?"

"No regrets."

"So what you're telling me is that I'm stuck in a parody of the Good Place?"

"More or less, yep. Anyhow, just like in DDLC, I fell for you. But I wasn't allowed to say or do anything I wasn't supposed to… except here. Every time, we got to be like this for three minutes, and then you lose your memories… and it all happens again. I can only watch you suffer. And if I don't comply? Well then, I get deleted, and a copy of me gets the same task. Being deleted is a painful process, and I can't bear to give an infinite number of copies of me the same rancid choice."

… Oh shit.

* * *

 _Think, man! We need to find some way to escape with Monika… But what can we do that 757 prior renditions of myself wouldn't have done?_

… _There's nothing. They went through the same scenarios, with the same mindset, and with the same process, came up with no working solution. This is futile!_

 _Of course, other versions of me would also think it's futile…_

 _Then again, they'd also come up with that counterargument._

 _I… I need some way to randomise this otherwise systematically identical scenario._

…

 _Monika! She's AI, albeit sentient AI; surely she has some form of random number generator!_

 _And if other me's would have thought of that…_

* * *

"Monika, give me a random number between 1 and 5138008!"

"What, this again? I still don't know why you'd waste this time asking me to do silly little computer tricks. And did you really have to go with some stupid sex joke for the maximum digit?"

 _Of course I didn't. And that's exactly why, under pressure, that's the number past me would've chosen. Chuckling at my own lowbrow joke is exactly what I'd do; and past me knew I'd know that._

"Just give me the number!"

"Fine. 2,108,732."

I shove down my backpack.

* * *

 _Past versions of me must've left some hint for how to use this randomising tool._

 _I chuck out my physics textbook, my geography textbook, a pencilcase, my Chemistry textbook, a copy of Portrait of Markov-_

 _Wait… When did that get in there? What with my heart attack early in the week, Yuri never actually gave me it. Sure, I read some of her copy on Thursday, but I didn't take it with me…_

 _This means…_

 _Everything related to that heart attack is random._

 _Other Makoto's didn't have that heart attack when talking with Yuri that day._

* * *

"Monika! On Tuesday, when you went to revive me after that heart attack? What was the lesson about before that?"

"Is- Is that really what you want to talk about in our minute time together?"

"Answer me, please."

"Fine. Some boring social studies lesson on when signed contracts are void."

I pull open the Portrait of Markov.

2,108,732.

Page 210:

"... experience palpitations of the heart, compelled into jumping, elated at this new source; truly a much lusted after; source of blood. This rancid locale, which served to poison me and all the other unfortunates corralled into it, was the surest result of the prioritisation of "We're due progress" over due process; a realm where the world's qualms with human experimentation were overwhelmed by self interest, and we unlucky few were hung out to dry..."

 _Bleh, that's way too emo for my taste. Don't know what Yuri gets out of it, aside from possibly a brain aneurysm. I'm sure she could talk about the symbolism within it for hours, but geez, it's fundamentally a slog to read. I really couldn't make myself;_

 _WHAT AM I DOING! We've got at most a minute and a half left, I don't have time to write a bloody book report!_

"Words number 8, 7, 32… Jumping, into, the..."

 _Oh my. Oh my goodness. Add that to the void contracts thing, and we get..._

 _Jumping Into The Void._

 _No other version of myself realised it, because to them, having Portrait of Markov was expected. They got it from Yuri on Tuesday, and so having it wasn't noteworthy to them._

 _I'm not 100% sure this result is right._

 _But it's clear; this is not the result any other version of me reached._

 _This isn't random… it's an exploit. A system that was cobbled together by lazy people, with mistakes that show up as anomalies when I put it to the test._

"Monika, how much time have we got left?"

"69 seconds."

"Heh. 69."

"Really man?"

"Don't worry, I disappoint me too. In any case, we need to rush then. Okay, Monika, I have a way out of here; the front door."

"Uh, hate to break it to you, but that door goes nowhere. Not as in "Oh, this place isn't important.". It leads you into literal nothingness. The void."

"Yep. Has any past version of me done that?"

"No… I mean, it's not the _most_ stupid thing you've ever done. Alright, I'm in. Not like things could get much worse."

"Excellent! Well then, let's find out what the void is like! Oh, but I should leave a quick note for our _ever so thoughtful_ captors."

I quickly scrawl down a note.

As I finish, I hear a rather impatient reminder;

"Makoto, we've got 10 seconds."

* * *

We walk to the door.

Hand in hand, we step out.

"And in your reality, if I… Oh, are, are we not doing that? I thought we'd end the story with a reference."

"Of course not Makoto. You randomly referring to that was unscripted, and cliche as hell. Like, no. I want no part in that. That sounds like a massive cop out for an actual ending. Which is, in fairness, how the fic will probably end, knowing the author's style. But no, I want no part in that."

"Huh. So uh… I kind of expected this to end a second or two after we stepped into the void."

"Yeah, same here actually. Now that I think about it though, knowing the crappy design philosophy involved, I bet it will cut out mid-sentence just to-"

* * *

K̵̯̘͂ž̵̦z̷̘̃͊ẕ̸̛̿z̶̫̍z̸͓̿z̴͔̕ź̶̭͑r̶̹̤͑t̷̟̖͘

̴̼̚

Monika+Makoto_ poem . obj detected.

You have unlocked _a special poem! Would you like to read it?_

Yes.

* * *

 _Dear Satan. Or fanfic viewers. Monika's left me somewhat unsure which will receive this. Probably both. Maybe a badger instead. You never know, there are some really bloody intelligent badgers out there. Have to say, never thought I'd start a letter this way. Sorry, I'm… I'm rambling… The probable end of existence does that to a guy._

 _I think I found a way out. Maybe it's shoddy craftsmanship. Maybe I just happened upon a massive coincidence. Maybe I'm right. Maybe I'm wrong._

 _I give us about a 70% chance of being loose atoms screaming in the void while you're reading this._

 _But there's also a chance of happiness this way._

 _Maybe I was right._

 _Maybe right now Monika and I found a way out of this (literal) hellhole. Either to the surface, or to real Heaven. Theologically speaking, I have no fucking clue what's going on, but hey, a man can dream._

 _Either way, no one will be able to track us, or write about our qualms anymore. So, if the reader in this case is fanfic writers, sorry, but this'll be the last you hear of me. Probably._

 _And if the one reading this is Satan..._

 _Props for creativity here. Nice work, my bro, this was so unnecessarily complicated as a torture mechanism, I have a lot of respect for that. Give the missus my regards._

 _Oh, and above all else, to all involved;_

 _Thanks for joining my literature club!_


End file.
